Eight seasons and 102 episodes. I have spent roughly 51 hours of my life watching Jenji Kohan’s “Weeds” series. Within these 51 hours, I’ve learned some of what to do and definitely what not to do, depending on the circumstance. I’ve grown embarrassingly close to “Weeds,” and I am more than willing to share what I’ve learned from it with you today.
Here are 25 things that Weeds has taught me throughout the duration of the beloved series.
1. As a mom, go through hell and back if it means protecting and supporting your family.
2. Don’t poke holes in your girlfriend’s condoms and get her pregnant before she leaves for college.
3. Never hook up with your sister’s brother-in-law or your own.
4. Dismiss the idea of dating a DEA agent if you are involved with the drug business.
5. Don’t ever blackmail your mom. Her hottie boy-toy just might snatch all of your drugs.
6. Refuse to ever trust a man named “U-Turn.”
7. Don’t steal community signs that advise against drugs.
8. If your kid goes missing, send out an Amber Alert.
9. Never steal the cross from a church.
10. Don’t soak your furniture with gasoline and then set your million dollar house on fire, even if the rest of your city is about to set ablaze.
12. Dump your significant other if he is violent with you and if the chances of you being shot at go up 100 percent when you’re with him. Be really careful not to have a kid with him, even if the son is adorable by season eight.
13. As a 13 year old boy, don’t have a three-way with freaky goth twins. You will get a yeast infection.
14. Don’t visit your daughter who ran off to Mexico with an exotic “lover” if she didn’t leave you on good terms.
15. Never call your daughter fat or sneak laxatives into her secret chocolate stash so she loses weight.
16. Don’t do heroin.
17. Make sure that your son doesn’t kill a politician. Or anyone.
18. Don’t partake in a butter eating contest, even if it means a prize RV.
19. Never sleep with your high school math teacher.
20. Confess to your son’s crime if it means keeping him out of jail.
21. Don’t ever become a Copenhagen model.
22. Never wear a trendy white halter top if there’s any chance of you getting shot in the head at your family dinner outside of your new Connecticut home.
23. Don’t raise your child to believe he is Jewish if he really isn’t. This might result in an embarrassing Bar Mitzvah later on down the road.
24. Don’t steal a car from an impound lot to impress your girlfriend, even if you’re a certified cop and the car is a sexy bright red with flames on the side.
25. Love your family every day and never leave loose ends.
