The 22 Best Dwight Schrute Quotes Of All-Time
Entertainment

The 22 Best Dwight Schrute Quotes Of All-Time

Honestly, I just have no words.

9811
Tech Insight

I've recently become obsessed with the sitcom, "The Office" because it's such an incredibly funny show. Especially because it's May, and it's the most stressful time in a college student's life, I need something that can just humor me for a while. Most of the time, I'm sitting on my couch wondering how it's possible for these people to say some of the things that they do and still be employed, and then I remember that it's a TV show, and that's the beauty of it. The characters all have their unique personalities, though at the same time, they all manage to add to the crazy office that is Dunder Miflin. That being said, Dwight Schrute might be the most eccentric character of all, and nearly everything he says leaves me thinking, 'what just happened?' So, here are the 22 best Dwight Schrute quotes of all time that will simply make you laugh.


1. "The eyes are the groin of the head."

2. "Get a friend, loser."

3. "You couldn't handle my undivided attention."

4. "Ah, humor. I have it too."

5. "Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office."

6. "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families suffer every year."

7. "I don't care what Jim says. This is NOT the real Ben Franklin. I am 99.9% sure."

8. "When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."

9. "Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man."

10. “Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."

11. “I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly."

12. “In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is 'Oh, I broke my leg!' A lion comes and eats you; you're dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion; you're dead!"

13. “No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes."

14. “Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors."

15. “Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms."

16. "I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors."

17. "How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable."

18."'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder' and not 'mukduk.'"

19. "I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog."

20. "Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'would an idiot do that?' and if they would, I do not do that thing."

21. "What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."

22. "Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of “Oklahoma!" in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good."

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Lifestyle

Founders Of Color Q&A: Yarlap's MaryEllen Reider On Destigmatizing Women's Health

The father-daughter duo co-founded the brand and has since generated a passionate, dedicated community of women.

MaryEllen Reider

I was lucky enough to meet MaryEllen Reider over a decade ago as a fellow freshman in college. Since then, I had the luxury of being able to witness her evolution from the faithful companion I went to my first job fair with to the woman who is now a pioneer in destigmatizing the portrayal of women's reproductive health.

Keep Reading... Show less

My favorite Editor was feeling under the weather yesterday. All I wanted was to make her a vegan iced matcha latte. With distance forbidding it, I instead decided to write up this quick, easy recipe. I made it to be vegan and organic for optimal health benefits.

Matcha green tea is made from grounded green tea leaf and it comes with the most antioxidant boost ever.

Keep Reading... Show less

This coffee brand is USDA organic. Newman's Own Keurig coffee flavors are all organic. They have French Roast, Decaf, and a Special Blend. I'm in a committed relationship with the French Roast flavor. The smell alone from dispensing 1 cup of coffee sets a whole cafe jazz vibe.

I'm already relaxed when I smell the coffee all ready for dressing. The way I make my coffee is simple and sweet, literally. I add a spoon of organic brown sugar and a splash of organic almond vanilla milk. This cup of coffee has changed my life forever. I have never been so productive in my life and I truly believe it's because the coffee is organic.

Keep Reading... Show less

These organic, cruelty-free skincare products are great for hot, sweaty summers. I use them every day, so you will find my honest opinion about them all. I highly recommend using organic products because they are least likely to be harmful to your body.

This may seem like an extra step when it comes to your beauty routine, but it's really easy. These 5 products could be the start of your next beauty venture.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

These 5 Black Handbag Designers Should Be On Every Accessory Lover's Radar

With the push to support more Black-owned businesses, we've put together a list of Black owned handbag designers.

Ever since the current upheaval of societal silence happening in the country caused by the #BlackLivesMatter movement, there has been a bigger push for people to support Black-owned businesses.

Granted, there are a lot fo Black-owned businesses to support, it just takes time to find them. With that being said, fashion is a sector, just like any sector really, in a culture that still has people of color calling out for more diversity.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Feel A Lil' Better: Because Therapy Dogs Aren't Just Cute, They're Working

Your weekly wellness boost from Odyssey.

No matter how good (or bad) you'd describe your health, one thing is for sure: a little boost is ALWAYS a good idea. Whether that's reading a new, motivating book, or listening to a song that speaks to your soul, there are plenty of resources to help your health thrive on any given day.

There are many different ways people overcome obstacles in their lives. Thankfully, the stigma surrounding therapy is slowly (but surely) slipping away and we're opening up about our problems and needs. For some, a good workout is just as relaxing. Others are learning how meditation can be a helpful tool in their mental health journey.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments