From the moment little girls are born, the female stereotype is thrust upon them before they even have the voice to oppose. Frilly pink dresses fill their closets and oversized bows are placed delicately at the end of their braids. When a five-year-old girl asks for a toy, it is automatically assumed that is their cry out for an easy bake oven or a glamourous doll house. Coming from the girl whose most prized possession was a Scooby-Doo fishing pole, and refused to play with any toys other than plastic dinosaurs for all of age 7, I find these limitations absurd.

Children are all too often raised in accordance with their gender, rather than their personal preferences. One reason being, that this is simply the traditional way to raise a child, and another reason being that parents are terrified of backlash for shying away from the socially acceptable parenting styles that they hold so dearly. Most parents hope for their children to grow up successful and settle down to become a parent, just as they did. So you’ve got to imagine the gaping mouths that linger when a woman tells others she doesn’t plan on having children, the criticism she hears and the judgement she receives. The first comment from others is always “don’t you want to live a fulfilling life?” because most people believe that bearing children is synonymous with fulfilment, but that is not always the case. I’m not trying to argue the fact that the miracle of life isn’t incredible, but it isn’t something every woman, or even man desires.

The feeling of obligation to have a child comes from every direction; our parents and the media being especially insistent. Our parents want to be grandparents, rightfully, but unfortunately they don’t get to make that call. I have never been the kind of person that fantasizes about my future and visualize children running barefoot around in the backyard. Instead, I see myself in a successful career, traveling often, married and raising a dog. At every holiday get together, or birthday celebration my family asks why I don’t have a boyfriend or what my 5 and 10 and 15-year plan is and the sheer look of disapproval I receive when I tell them is overwhelming. The overrated belief that women should find a man and be married by their early-20’s and start having children by their mid-20’s blows my mind. The responsibility that raising a child entails is not for the faint of heart and should in no way be forced upon anyone. Every movie you watch about an expected, or even unexpected pregnancy portrays the parents as happier and better people in the end, as if every situation has a happy ending. The young clueless mother and pot-head father are all of sudden the world’s best parents and this depiction rarely represents the truths of parenting. My family and the media insist that the reason I don’t want a child is because I’m not in the right mindset but whose to say what the right mindset actually is? And if I’ll ever be in this mindset?

I’m going on my third year of working at a before and after school program and it has been the purest form of birth control available. Cleaning up vomit, getting sneezed on, wiping runny noses, tying a different shoe every 30 seconds and simply entertaining the children has taken a toll on me. I enjoy children in small doses but working with them five days a week has made me aware of how exhausting and time consuming having a child of my own would be. The idea of repeatedly watching episodes of Blues Clues or Sesame Street is not something I find ideal, nor can I fake my eagerness to play simple minded games like peek-a-boo. When I tell people this they still somehow manage to reply “but you won’t realize how much you love being a mother until you have a child!” So I’m supposed to have a child and just bank on my feelings doing a complete 360? That is risky and probably the worst possible advice to hand out.

I absolutely hate when parents think they’re being helpful by sugar coating parenting, highlighting only the cuddle sessions, craft making and cookie baking, but leaving out the sleepless nights and hardships that are inevitable when raising a child. They are doing nothing but setting up others for a rude awakening. So no, choosing not to have a child is not selfish. Instead, it is admirable for a woman to be aware of her own limitations and not take on a task she knows she cannot handle. Maybe it is my young age or my goal oriented mindset that is leading me to believe I don’t want a child, but regardless, no woman should feel coerced into bearing children because it is a “priority.”