Today is December 30th which means tomorrow is the 31st aka New Years Eve! While I always pictured myself spending my first 21 year old New Years at an exclusive club in NYC as the club owner's date, I find myself instead arranging plans with my family and genuinely unsure if any of us will make it til Midnight. Since I expect that many people like myself are without fancy plans, we will likely occupy our time scrolling through social media. I have written this article to save you the eye squinting, finger cramping and disgust. Below I have detailed every kind of "So Long 2020" post that you will see on social media. You can read this for five minutes and come to the same conclusion as if you spent four hours on social media. I will be accepting thanks for giving you this gift via wine subscriptions and/or edible arrangements!
1. The Person Who Acts Like This Year Was No Different
Their caption probably says something like "can't wait for new beginnings." Thank you for that enlightening statement, Katherine. I think we can all agree that any beginning would be thoroughly welcomed by everyone at this point, except maybe Jeff Bezos who this pandemic worked out splendidly for.
2. The Person Who Forewarns everyone About New Years Plans
This one is probably entering your feed today imploring you to resist putting on a trashy sparkle crop top, attending a random house party, making out with someone who previously ignored you in high school and mixing vodka sodas and champagne like it never hurt you before. This person probably also suggested you hide out from your family for Thanksgiving and Christmas and NYE is what they believe to be their last chance to effect change.
3. The Person Who 2020 ~Changed~
This person wants to come on social media just to say that while everyone else was on a Zoom bender for like four months, the Covid-19 Pandemic inspired change in their mindset. I somewhat believe that the people who did not appreciate life before are part of the karmic reason for why this all happened so I don't really want to hear about how that totally worked out for you.
4. The Person Who Got Really Fit Over The Pandemic
Cheers to you for ordering a Peloton to your house and risking your life to procure daily vegetables while we were all living off our last toilet paper roll. You're right, you're incredible. Can I please have all your larger clothes that do not fit anymore? Asking for a friend who regularly split whole boxes of mac and cheese with her Mom because that was the only thing she liked that Amazon would deliver in bulk (I'm the friend).
5. The “New Year New Last Name” Person
If you were single during the pandemic you want to kick this person in the shin. While the rest of us were wondering if we would ever kiss anyone ever again, you were promised an eternity of happiness and said yes. I have $25 in my savings account and you're now wearing a $5,000 ring that somebody's dad paid for so that's something fun about this too!
6. The Girl Who Would Not Have Survived the Pandemic Without Her Pyramid Scheme
This person shows up on December 31st to make sure everyone knows that without the pyramid scheme she is a part of, she would not have survived 2020. She suggests you "partner up with me to change your life" in the New Year. She says that the best part of 2020 was "starting her own business" and "being her own boss". I could write a whole other article about why participating in a pyramid scheme does not qualify as hanging up a shingle and starting your own business, but I'll save that for another day. I'm glad that while people suffered you sold overpriced shampoo to two people from your parents' basement! #bossbabe #quarantineinfluencer #selfmade #ladiessupportingladies #eatprayslay
7. The Goal Setter
This person posts about their goals for 2021. I used to be a big New Year's Resolution girl myself, I even invented a game where I made everyone write it down and then you had to guess whose resolution was who's. Now my goals each year are "get a boyfriend", and "read more", which have an inverse relationship based on which endeavor is panning out. This year I read 20 books. I'll just leave it at that! Anyway, this person with their goals is kind of annoying. I think it's best if we go in with no expectations for 2021. You guys showed up with all your goals about travel this time last year, and look where we are now. Here's the goal: achieve homeostasis and do the bare minimum and hopefully our hearts continue to beat for another 365 days. Worse than the people with the goals are the people posting advice about how I can achieve my goals or inquiring if I have difficulty with goal setting. Who are you, a general practitioner asking approximately how many drinks an individual consumes per day? I don't like your tone!
8. The Dark Horse 2020 Appreciator
Until today, you were not certain this person was still on your friends list/alive, but they decided to grace you with their presence and suggest that "everyone comment what your favorite part of 2020 was!" What are you, five? Gosh that's really a toss up for me between being annexed to quarantine housing, not feeling the touch of a man for months on end, watching everyone I love go broke and get fat (including myself), and having the bars close at 11 p.m. on my 21st birthday. Oh, I almost forgot the devastation of our economy, race riots, and everyone's favorite: civil unrest. I guess I'll just pick out of a hat, too close to call!
9. The Pandemic Grouch
Although this person has been posting about the dumpster fire that is 2020 for the entirety of the year (and may very well have been complaining since 2010), they need to get in one more slur to 2020 before we close out. These folks say things along the lines of "goodbye and good riddance", "a year we won't miss", "don't let the door hit you on the way out", "Goodbye 2020 hello Baby New Year: Joe Biden", and "F*ck 2020, Love Trump". The one fraternity guy you're friends with on Facebook simply says "2020 Sucked." You wonder if he was always such a great conversationalist!
10. The Person Who Shows Off Their 2020 Productivity
Just when you thought that Taylor Swift was the only human who accomplished something while in quarantine, a bunch of people show up in your feed who highlight how they trained a rescue dog, secretly worked on the vaccine in their newly finished basement, wrote a memoir that tackles racism, made a sculpture out of homeschooling mother's tears, taught their kid how to speak Mandarin, learned how to make creme brulee, launched a Podcast, retiled their backsplash with scraps from empty hand sanitizer bottles, delivered homemade bread to a homeless shelter, taught themselves to play the violin via Youtube tutorials, and made a robot from remnants of an old Nintendo DS and flip phone they found while reorganizing their attic. From the rest of us on the aforementioned endless Zoom bender that may or may not experience a renaissance, be quiet!
11. The Person Who is Having a Baby Which is “So Crazy”
The New Year is the perfect time to announce a NeW FaMiLy MeMbEr! But, you can't do this without insinuating how absolutely insane it is to get pregnant during a Pandemic. Actually, I don't think it is insane at all! There was nothing else to do, and we all know what can happen after those Zoom calls. You're telling me that you were locked in a house with your husband with no source of entertainment other than Tiger King which you guys binge watched in 48 hours and miraculously a baby was made? This just isn't shocking. Congratulations, this is almost as productive as bringing homemade bread to the homeless shelter, except your bun just stayed in the oven!
In the wise words of Clark Griswold, "Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's The Tylenol?". Happy 2021 everybody.