Today on January 23rd 2019, I found myself laying at home watching TV while my boyfriend was at work when all of a sudden I found myself sleeping the day away. Upon waking up at 4 in the afternoon, I felt guilty as here was my friends and SO getting home from a long day of work when I, an unemployed person, spent her day taking naps instead of applying for a job. This made me feel like crap as my day and to do list that consisted of dishes and writing an article was abandoned. However, as I got myself off the couch and went upstairs to work on an article all that came to mind was that it's crazy how time works. It's crazy for example how I can't believe its already been seven months since I entered a relationship yet it feels like our one year anniversary is so far away (We have tickets for a baseball game on that day so I'm eager to go). It feels crazy how I graduated college in August yet still don't have a full time job (or a job period). It's crazy how we think we have so much time to achieve our goals; but sooner rather than later, time catches up to us leaving us wondering what we are doing with our lives.

I often feel like I am doing nothing with my life and that thought scares me. As people I went to high school with have good paying jobs, spouses, and kids, I often feel like I am falling behind as I have none of those things. But I also know that I am young and I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself as after all I do have something I didn't have a year ago: a degree and my sanity.

Last year in January 2018, I was in what I have come to call my "second wave of depression". This was the stage that began after I began to feel that the friendship between my ex and I was growing apart and I started to suspect he was dating someone new. This phase began after I, a few months prior, told said ex I had my arm broken by a guy I was seeing at the time. Of course, the lie caught up to me eventually and when I was found out the relationship between my ex and me shifted forever. This led to our relationship becoming one sided as I reached out more and more as he tried to create distance between us. As a result of the distance, my newfound second wave of depression kicked in leading me to feel even more alone and miserable than I had felt in my first wave of depression.

The loneliness and miserable feelings caused me immense guilt over the pain I had caused him with my lie to the point where I thought I was the most awful person on Earth. This led me to make choices in my life that weren't healthy for me as I thought I didn't deserve anything better. I chose awful people to surround myself with, I did drugs, I drank too much, and I thought about ending my own life multiple times. When I think back on the early 2018 version of myself, I think of a girl who was unbelievably and constantly sad and tortured. I think of a girl who would do anything to take back the hurt she caused the one person that mattered to her most. I think of a girl who no matter what good things life threw at her, was never going to be happy.

Looking back on who I was then, I am not sure I recognize that girl. In January 2019 I may be confused and lost on my future but unlike me a year ago, I am completely happy. I know have friends who help lift me up and who I can rely on for a good time that don't involve heavy drugs. I have my family here and instead of pushing them away I am holding them closer and spending more time with them. I no longer try to win the approval and friendship of people who don't want to talk and instead have let my friendship with my ex and a lot of my British friends run its natural course. I don't let my depression run my life like I did a year ago and instead just focus on how lucky I am that I am in a much better mental state.

I don't recall much of where I was at a year ago because I believe the brain does a good job at blocking out the worst parts of the human experience but I do remember the pain and the depression. And looking back and knowing that even a year later, I am a completely different person seems like a miracle to me. I am so happy I am not that same girl anymore and I am glad she's nothing but a distant memory. I just hope that a year from now when I look back on this unemployed time in my life, I will look back and think "oh man, it's crazy how much has changed this past year as now I am employed and not as broke". I hope I can look to where I am now as nothing but a distant memory much like I can do with the early 2018 version of myself.