Flower crowns, septum piercings, a thin layer of dirt that covers the entire audience so that we are all the same skin tone, $12 gyros: Welcome to the Empire Polo Fields. Having gone to Coachella for the past three years, I would consider myself somewhat of a seasoned veteran. Despite the fact I will not be in attendance this year, I know some of my friends will be first timers so I wanted to share some of the things I've learned over the years to ensure they're not only surviving, but thriving in the desert. Here are just a few tricks that will help you make the most of what will potentially be one of the best weekends of your life.
Sensible Footwear--not just for flight attendants.
Yes, those Tory Burch sandals are cute as hell. As are those plastic jellies. But they will not survive the weekend. Unfortunately these are neither sustainable nor comfortable options for the endless amounts of walking, running, and dancing that will take place over the course of your day. Now, I've seen some bold individuals even go the high heel route- which (while impressive) is practically impossible to pull off unless you can manage not sinking into the grass, can bear to stand in interminable lines for a Porta Potty, and have the utmost confidence in your ability to navigate an abundance of other people, fallen chasers, and the inevitable vomit of some of your fellow "Coachillers". Going off that, a push-up bra may make your crop top more aesthetically pleasing I promise you underwire is not the way to go for 12-hour days of unabashed raging. This ideal also applies to your festival makeup. It is freaking hot (this is the desert we're talking about) and there is zero way your smoky eye/winged eyeliner/3 lbs of concealer won't be dripping down your face post exiting the Sahara Tent. The origins of the weekend were originally meant to be about coming together listening to good music and having good times with their good vibe tribe- so maybe how you look shouldn't be the most important thing. You're beautiful already, so my advice would be to throw on a little mascara and some glitter, and just roll with it.
(peep those Nikes--10/10 would recommend.)
If You're Reading This I'm at the Water Refill Station
Ah, that sweet, refreshing feeling of glorious clear liquid making its way from the bottle down your throat. And no I'm not talking about vodka. H20 is a beautiful, beautiful thing especially in the midst of 100-degree weather surrounded by other dirty, sweaty bodies slamming into you in time to the bass line. There have been days where my skin has tasted legitimately salty. If you take anything away from this Survival Guide let it be this: stay hydrated. Your body will love you for it; your possible hangover will love you for it. It is just a really good idea, and oh so simple. There are a variety of vendors littered throughout the fields where you can spend $4 on individual plastic bottles of water, as well as a number of designated water refill stations where the lines are inexplicably long, but free is free am I right? (Let it be known-this is hose water.)
Be aware of the Bro-chella
You know the type. He's probably wearing a Native American headdress or a backwards neon hat that says "Party With Sluts". This is a weekend of live music, which means dancing, which means the impending threat of being grinded on. Girls get a bad rep for being "basic bitches" because of spending too much time on Tobi these past couple months looking for the perfect fringe boots or halter top, and inherently believe that 72 hours of music, drinking, and Instagramming with a watermelon is to be considered the peak of a lifetime. However, we cannot overlook the hoards of male counterparts chugging a beer bong pre Flosstradamus set wearing ironic t-shirts that probably have something to do with the size of their penis.
If you don't hit the do lab did you even really go?
Camping out on the grass by the Main Stage in an attempt to be kind of, sort of close for that closing act Saturday night is truly not the best use of your time. Something that sets Chella apart from a number of other festivals is that there is something for everyone! So be sure to check out other, smaller stages, and some of the unreal art installments that litter the fields. This is a weekend to broaden your horizons from the “Lamestream” music that you don’t even like you just stay because your friends do.
Also, I don't recommend trying to book it across the acres of grass that make up the Polo Fields in an attempt to see teeny tiny, minimal parts of every set. I get it: there's some set times that are too conflicting, and too good to miss either of them, so you go 50/50 on both. But as the years pass I have come to the realization that on the whole you would benefit more from going to invest your time in a set you really enjoy. If you really like this performer or group, the chances are you'll probably be able to see them again sometime in the near future anyway!
Festival food is expensive. Festival everything is expensive.
Keep this in mind as you embark on your 3 day frolic of Indio, California. When you buy your ticket, you are not just buying a ticket. You are purchasing a hotel/campsite, transportation, food and drink, and any overpriced merch you may buy on impulse. So make sure there's enough money in your "Oh shit!" fund aka your Chase Checking account to sustain your shenanigans throughout the weekend, i.e. the potential Venmo to your friend who took pity on you and made the executive decision to drunkenly spot you that $13 slice of pizza for your even more drunkass. (Sidenote: be sure to check out http://la.eater.com for the official 2016 Food Lineup.) Trust, the last thing you want to be doing is an attempt at carrying out the mission of a money transfer between your accounts during a legendary set.
On that note not remembering the weekend is somewhat of a waste of a $450 ticket. I understand that no sane person plans to drink themselves into oblivion, and while the tales of your blacked out romp through the Polo Fields will probably contain some fun, one of a kind stories to tell at future grown up dinner parties, the good times you have with your squad may prove to be a bit more of memorable. So please take it upon yourself to rage (somewhat) responsibly.
Be Nice!
Come festival season, certain individuals tend to become a bit more high strung or anxious, and can let the little things get in the way of an illustrious carefree weekend. It’s no secret that the kink in your neck from trying (and failing) to fall asleep in an overcrowded tent with 10 other people, the blister that hurts so badly it should be considered illegal on the back of your left heel, or being covered in the same dust from last night because all the showers were full at 4 am can in fact make certain individuals a little cranky. Combine that with 105 degree weather and dirty sweaty people in an area that does not exactly prioritize the idea of "personal space" this can turn cranky, tired hipsters into just straight up rude. With this in mind, you have the opportunity to make some of your fellow festival go-ers weekend a little better. So quite simply just be nice to people (I’m sure that small girl on that gentleman’s shoulders did not intend to kick you in the back of the head on purpose), spread good vibes and all that, and maybe even go out of your way to make a perfect stranger’s weekend a little bit less trying. What goes around comes around.
So here is it: your unofficially Official Coachella Survival Guide. Go forth, use what you’ve learned, and most importantly Happy Chella!
