Look, I have nothing against Coachella, per se. Maybe I'm just really bitter that in order for me to go I'd have to marry rich or win the lottery. Maybe it just gets a teensy bit annoying to see the same outfit only slightly varied taking up my entire Instagram feed. Maybe the prominence of cultural appropriation grinds my gears a little bit.
So, here are 20 things I'd rather be doing than attending Coachella.
1. Working on a group project where I'm the only member putting in an effort.
2. Playing volleyball in a gym full of high school boys.
3. Eating my weight in McDonald's.
4. Getting "We Are The Champions" stuck playing on repeat.
5. Sitting next to a crying baby on a 7 hour flight.
6. Following all my high school teachers on social media.
7. Being put into a group chat with my entire family, including grandma.
8. Going to buy a movie ticket to find out the movie I want to see is sold out.
9. Eating Taco Bell.
10. Trying on swimsuits after Thanksgiving dinner.
11. Applying for a retail job.
12. Opening a can of soup and having the can opener break.
13. Matching with old men on Tinder.
14. Using the self-checkout and having it yell at me.
15. Spilling coffee on myself.
16. Being ghosted.
17. Having my mom in the room when the doctor asks, "Are you sexually active?"
18. Going to a middle school dance.
19. Opening a credit card with a $200 limit.
20. Writing an article about Coachella.
Alright, alright. Maybe I wouldn't actually want to do some of these things over attending a festival, but at least I'm saving money, right? Festival on, y'all.