I'm 19 years old now. I never really thought that I would make it this far in life. Not that I ever thought that I would die young, it's just that my imagination as a child never really stretched as to what I would be doing and where I would be at this time. I never thought that I would sitting here in my grandmother's apartment on my 19th birthday feeling upset because I can't think of a topic to write about for this article let alone make a decision on what it is that I want to do for myself for the next couple of years. It's extremely frustrating and infuriating.
I think what holds me back the most is that fact that I feel scared. I'm scared that if I make the wrong decision it will affect the entire course of my life, and I'm also scared that I've reached that point in my life where I'm able to make decisions like that. I kind of wish that there was some kind of film that showed you how to be an adult so I can just do things correctly and go about my life. I'm aware that there are numerous YouTube channels and people to reach out to, but that's not really what I mean. I'm kind of blabbering I guess.
It's my birthday, but I don't ever treat my birthday like a holiday. I liked to be busy on my birthday. I like to forget that it is and then remember it randomly throughout that day. When I do that it makes me smile a little bit. I've actually forgotten my birthday twice in my life. I don't want anyone one to think that I hate my birthday, it's just a day that reminds me that eventually I'm going to have to get my life together which sucks, because in my head I feel like I'm either I'm making it suck or I'm halting my own progression as a person holding onto the disappointments and mistakes I've made.
I always tell people when they're upset that they have a right to be upset — they shouldn't compare their sadness to others, because everybody deals with their own kind of struggles and demeaning their sadness isn't fair to themselves. I also tell people that they shouldn't let their sadness or disappointment consume them. Now I have to follow my own advice. I have to make sure that I don't let things of the past consume me. That sounds tough.
Everybody knows that life gets tougher the more it goes on because everybody says it. But it doesn't really seem real until you get older and it actually gets tougher. I have no idea what kind of adventures are supposed to unfold before me. But I hope that I learn to not harp too much on decision making and enjoy life.