It's that time of year again, guys and girls. Football season is right around the corner and two-a-days are in full swing for all teams across the nation. In honor of this grand time, let's dive into what it's like during these dog days of summer. On three. Ready. Set. Hut, Hut, Hike! (Nobody really says hike.)
1. Saying bye to life
Everyone needs to understand that you won’t be available during this time at all, ever. Tell your friends to keep you the hell out of group texts because you don’t want to know what it’s like to have free time. When bae says, "Come over," you respond, “No, I have football.” “But, my parents aren’t home.” “OK, I called a babysitter.”
2. Learning the playbook
So, on Yankee Gun Right X Move Y shallow Crossbuck 54 Zipline Choice I have the post unless I identify cover 3, or is that only if we check Ringo Vegas?
3. Pretzels
Tell Momma to get the biggest bag of these flavorless wood chips. Although not the tastiest, they meet all the requirements of football camp. Salted, quick, can be eaten in meetings and won’t have you puking your organs out during practice.
4. Random bruises
It doesn’t even matter where you get hit. You’ll come home with bruises inside your belly button, behind your ears, on your tongue and underneath your eyelids.
5. Flip Flops
I would rather eat unfrosted pop tarts for the rest of my life than bend over and put on shoes in the morning. (For real, though, what loser intern said, "Yeah, you know the unfrosted edges that everyone throws away, let's utilize that part more.")
6. The Heat
You always check tomorrow’s weather just for it to say, “Buckle down, Buster. It’s going to be as hot as Kate Upton,” which means around 98.6 degrees unless she’s running a fever.
7. The hope for rain.
Lol, yeah right.
8. Training Room Visits.
“All right, Nick, what hurts?” “All of it.”
9. The Football Tan
Go ahead. Roll those sleeves up as high as you can. Ask for the shortest pants and risk skinning your knees. But are you really going to wear ankle socks?
10. Doing Basic Math
"We have five days left, so that’s 10 meetings and 10 practices, only about 40 hours left of fall camp!”
11. “Stretch it out!”
You say the dead don’t come back to life? Go to a football practice when the coach blows the final whistle for everyone to form into post-practice stretch lines. “Screw you, dude, this has always been my spot.”
12. That locker room smell
Nothing wakes you up at 6 a.m. like your snot locker whiffing the stench of sweaty shoulder pads that have been marinating overnight in a humid room.
13. Cramps
Such a helpless feeling in a young man's life. Lying there fast asleep when your leg curls up just an inch and suddenly — “WHAMMY! OHH YEAH, I GOT YA NOW, BOY YEE-YEE," exclaimed the cramp. Your leg is locked up like O.J. Simpson, and all you can do is wait for anybody who hears you howling for water.
14. The difference between in-shape and in football-shape
You condition all summer. Running, puking, crying. Yet, somehow you will still get tired after those first three plays of camp.
15. Saying this
“Man, kickers are so lucky. They don’t have to do shit."
16. And this
"Bro, I’m going to get bitched at so bad during film today.”
17. Picturing unlikely scenarios that get practice canceled
A plane crashes into your practice field. A tornado tosses all the equipment over to Mars. Coach just subscribed to Netflix and keeps on watching the next episode.
18. The feeling after the last practice
You know that feeling when you open the door and the fly leaves right away? Similar.
After all that, you may be asking, "Then why do you still play?" Simply put, we play because we love the game. We love the bonds we create with our teammates, and really, we could not imagine our lives without it. OK, that's enough sappiness. SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY!
