Maybe your obsession started early on in your life. Maybe, like me, you hated coffee when you first tried it, though you loved the smell. Perhaps you started drinking it with so much cream that you couldn’t taste anything more than the sweet sugar. Perhaps you’ve always loved it black.
You can probably pinpoint the exact time you became dependent on it—senior year of high school, freshman year of college—though I’m sure you wouldn’t have called yourself “addicted” then. Now, however, it’s time to own up to the fact that coffee is your life. If you’re not sure if you can definitely call yourself a coffee addict yet, read the following—and if it feels like it’s a biography about you, then congratulations: You do, in fact, live for coffee.
1. Your first cup of coffee isn’t to jump-start your day anymore.
You need that initial caffeine just to be a normal tired person. Sometimes you drink a cup and then promptly fall asleep right afterwards.
2. Espresso isn’t as strong as you used to think, either.
You can take shots of espresso like they’re shots of chocolate, and, honestly, one shot doesn’t even really doesn’t do anything to you.
3. Caffeine has become your blood.
Pretty sure I’m not B-negative anymore; my blood type is now definitely extra dark roast.
4. You’re a coffee snob but you aren’t.
You’ll admit you like drinking those fancy design-in-the-foam lattes, you can tell the difference between brands and you definitely have your favorite. When it comes down to just needing some, though, you will drink practically anything—yes, I’m looking at you, motel coffee-flavored water.
5. Speaking of coffee snobs, you don’t understand those people who claim they are and then sugar down their coffee.
Why does the brand and cost matter if you can’t even taste the coffee through the overload of cream and sugar?
(Me VS. You)
6. You probably now drink it black.
Even if you didn’t choose to originally for the taste, with the amount you consume now, if you didn’t drink it black, you’d add probably the equivalent of another three meals to your calorie intake for the day.
7. Places that offer free coffee are your favorite places.
“Go with you to the car dealership? Why on earth would I want to do that? ...Free coffee? Let me grab my shoes.” The promise of a cup of coffee can get you to do pretty much anything.
8. If someone sees you without a cup of coffee in your hand they are legitimately confused.
And perhaps a little scared. No one wants to see me before I’ve at least had one cup—trust me. I don’t even think I’m human before that point.
9. Around 90 percent of your headaches can be traced back to a lack of caffeine.
Am I getting sick? Is this from the weather? Jokes—that pain will disappear with another cup of java.
10. Coffee dates are your favorite kind of dates.
Hot or iced? Or both? By the way, is it rude to go back and order a second or third cup in one sitting?
11. You claim you’re not addicted.
People will judge you for the amount of coffee you drink. You like to tell them that you could stop drinking coffee anytime you want. Deep down, you know that will never be true.
12. People buy you coffee-related novelties for your birthday.
Joke t-shirts that poke fun at your obsession, another mug to add to the collection, or even literal bags of coffee (thanks, sis).
13. You have considered switching to tea.
It would probably be good for your health. But you just can’t resist giving up the taste (and smell) of coffee. Did I stunt my growth? Do I have brain damage? Do I even care?
14. Anything coffee-flavored is pretty much a yes.
Chocolate covered espresso beans—tell me you don’t get chills.
15. There is seriously not much better than waking up to sit on the porch with a cup of hot, freshly brewed coffee.
A nice relaxing morning, where you can enjoy your coffee and slowly wake up and come to terms with the fact that you’ll have to actually do things later in the day.
16. Your first request whenever you go out for breakfast/brunch/at someone’s house is always for coffee.
Look, I’m sorry if I’m messing with the plans for the day, but I don’t think you truly understand what I will become without at least one cup this morning. I will drink anything, man!
