Listen up, ladies! We've all had this everlasting thought in our heads. The thought of, "What would happen if I was a guy? What would it be like? What would I do?" You see, this thought is normal. I grew up in a predominately male household. I have two brothers, a father, and a majority of male cousins. I've always pondered what it would be like to be "one of the boys." The older I got, the more and more time I've had to reflect on this. Here is a compiled list of what I think girls would do if they had had a little something different going on down there:
1. Pee Our Names In A Bank Of Snow
As a female, having to pee outside is one of the worst things that could happen. The concept of aiming is physically impossible. If I had the ability to aim...I would mark my territory everywhere.
2. Touch Ourselves...A Lot
As a female, this takes a lot of time, dedication and effort. Finding the right spots can sometimes be tricky. But...as a male... everything is out there in the open. I often think if I was a guy I would take a long time in the shower loving myself.
3. Save Money
Men will never understand the concept of spending $50 at Sephora for foundation and $17 at MAC for a tube of lipstick... or $7 on tampons every month. As females, there are things we need to spend money on as well as things we are expected to spend money on. If I didn't have to buy all the stuff I use to make myself a presentable human, I would be one rich bitch.
4. Get Paid More
I'm just going to silently sip my tea...
5. Have More Time
Gone are the days where I would have to wake up an hour before I have to do anything. Picking out an outfit? Putting on makeup? Doing hair? Not anymore.
6. Tell Girls They're Beautiful
If I was a guy, I would probably be the best boyfriend ever.
7. Eat As Much As We Possibly Can
Pizza. Burgers. Burritos. Mac n Cheese. Get in my belly! And nobody would even bat an eyelash or ask me, "Don't you worry about that going to your thighs?"
8. Order Whiskey At A Bar
I'm a girl who likes her Jameson. But, when I order a shot at a bar, I get confused looks from the burley man across the way. Yes, I am a short little blonde girl who needs her Jack and Coke.
9. Experience Going To A Bar
I feel for men at bars. Although they save money on hygiene products...they spend a lot of money on leisure. I wonder what it's like being on the other end of grinding. Or how to come up with a pick-up line that will actually work.
10. Give Out Daps
I'd give out daps to my bros like Oprah.
11. Walk The Streets At Night
...and not have to worry about anything.
12. Have Bigger Pockets
Being able to fit my keys, wallet, chapstick and small child in the pocket of my jeans would be the coolest!
13. Openly Talk About Watching Porn
Girls watch porn. But, only guys are allowed to talk about how they watch porn. It is socially acceptable for males to write five-page essays about who their favorite pornstar is. I'd send all the Brazzers videos to my boys I'd think they'd like.
14. Not Worrying About Or Brows Being On Fleek
When it comes to crafting my eyebrows there is always blood, sweat, and tears. Sometimes I just can't get my damn arch right. I would not give two shits about my furry compadres if I was a dude.
15. Be Violent
I would punch walls like it's my job and nobody would think I have serious anger problems.
16. Have Sex
I've always wanted to know what having a boner feels like. Is it cool? Is it annoying? How do they go away...oh wait...I know. Sex from the other side is what I'm most curious about upon thinking of this endeavor. I would go up to every girl I'd think I'd have a chance with, buy her a nice dinner, and ask her for a fun night of love and passion. But, only if she says "yes." Consent is mandatory, my friends.
To all you boys out there...don't worry! We've got you covered. Check out my fellow funny team member Michael's article, "16 Things Guys Would Do If They Were Girls"! You won't be disappointed.
