Having a beard is a wonderful thing. No, I don't mean five o'clock shadows, goatees, or soul patches. I mean beards—long, thick, majestic, wondrous beards. Beards aren't easy to obtain or maintain, but they are completely worth it. These are 16 things all men with a beard understand.
1. Your family disapproves of it.
“You would be so handsome without all of that hair.”
“Shave that rat off your face. Have some decency.”
“You look like a terrorist.”
Your family, particularly your mom, ceaselessly expresses their disapproval of your beard. You know it's only because they love you and don't want you to appear homeless.
2. People call you a hipster.
Because lumberjacks, warriors, and Abraham Lincoln were all hipsters. Beards are a sign of manliness, not an annoying subculture.
3. People say you look like Jesus.
“You should play Jesus in a church’s Easter play.”
“You look like our dear Lord Jesus Christ.”
Whether you're religious or non-religious, and whether or not it's a compliment, it isn’t the worst thing to be called.
4. Your girlfriend refuses to kiss you.
“I want to feel your lips, not prickly hair."
Honestly, you don’t mind, because it's a worthy sacrifice. You aren’t shaving your beard for a woman. Find a woman who appreciates the majestic wonder that is your beard.
5. Applying for jobs is a challenge.
“Your beard might scare the customers."
America is progressing, but most employers still haven’t come around to beards. We need another bearded president to make beards the fashion of the land again.
6. It keeps you warm in the winter.
It’s like mittens for your face.
7. It makes you hot in the summer.
Pun intended.
8. You wash it with shampoo and conditioner just like your hair.
Maintenance of your beard is important. Only use the best shampoo and conditioner.
9. You eat your mustache with every meal.
Burritos, hamburgers, sandwiches, pizza—pretty much anything you have to bite into, your mustache will be included.
10. Additionally, you contemplate eating certain meals based on how messy they are.
Barbecue, ice cream cones, peanut butter, and wings, just to name a few, are all nightmares when eating with a beard. You always keep napkins and access to running water nearby.
11. It drips for minutes after drinking.
Liquids tend to find their way into your mustache and beard and rest there, either dripping like a faucet or crusting over.
12. You’ve trimmed off more than you intended to at least once.
And you honestly thought you might need counseling. It’s the most traumatic experience any man with a dearly loved beard can have.
13. It itches frequently.
And you frankly don’t know what the cause of the itch is, because you haven’t seen the skin underneath in months or years.
14. You have a special connection with other bearded men.
“Nice beard, bro.”
Best compliment ever.
15. You constantly have to justify it.
Most people don’t understand why anyone would want to endure all the above struggles, as well as look like a homeless person, just to have an itchy beard. You stand up for your beard and beards everywhere on a regular basis.
16. You have a spiritual connection to it.
Your beard is your best feature. You waited patiently to grow it, take time and spend money to nurture it, pet it regularly, and are immensely proud of it. Face it, it’s like a child. A beautiful, hairy, mysterious child. To quote a bearded friend of mine, “They grow in your heart as much as they do on your face,” though I would argue they grow twice as much in your heart as they do on your face.
