Working in a movie theater gives you behind-the-scenes access to the least glamorous and most commercially driven aspect of the entertainment industry. Also you get to clean a lot of toilets. These are some things I learned during my time as an usher. Now you too can have all of the exclusive theater knowledge without having to undergo any of the trauma.

1. People smuggle weird things into theaters: chewing tobacco, bottles of alcohol, random pills, etc.

Things I have found include but are not limited to: approximately 42 umbrellas, a wallet, a driver's license, a rubber duck, 14 bottles of various kinds of liquor, a partially opened packet of unidentified pills, a purple clothes hanger, and a stuffed gingerbread man floating in a toilet.

2. Cleaning a theater is a little bit like going dumpster diving: you never know what you’re going to find but odds are it’s going to be gross.

I'm looking at you man who spits chewing tobacco on floor and then leaves it like that is somehow socially acceptable.

3. The lobby of a movie theater often doubles as a child daycare center.

If I had wanted to work at a daycare I would have applied at one. Please stop leaving your children in my lobby. They keep falling in the fake well we're trying to use to raise money for kids that are actually sick.

4. Leaving your trash behind doesn’t mean you’re cool, it means you’re lazy. Also I hate you.

Faith in humanity before turning on the lights: two

Faith in humanity after turning on the lights: -1,000

5. You really don’t want to know where the “food” you eat at the theater comes from. (I still have nugget nightmares).

Also, that's not really butter. So you might want to think twice before filling an entire nacho tray with it.

6. Free slushies and movie tickets take perks to a whole new level.

Forget healthcare and a 401K, this is what I mean when I say I want perks with my job. Free food and free movie tickets: sold.

7. Theaters should stop selling alcohol. Immediately.

This one goes out to all of the slightly tipsy/drunk middle-aged men who like to say creepy things or ask me to get their ticket out of inappropriate places (Sir, if I pull the ticket out of there you're going to jail).

8. Inevitably at least half of the people you know will ask you to a) let them into an R-rated movie when they’re underage, or b) give them magical discounts that don’t actually exist.

The best strategy is just to pretend you don't know anyone. Sooner or later it will be true anyway.

9. Elderly people may be the last truly good thing left on this Earth.

They are the only people who consistently don't make a mess, are polite, and actually look employees in the eye when talking to them. Hats off to them, they might be able to raise my faith in humanity all the way to a 3.5 on a good day.

10. The dumpster is always far away, in a dark alley, and too tall for any person of average height to reach without soaking themselves in garbage.

It's basically the world's worst shower. If you've ever seen the Nickelodeon green slime, it's like that only with raw garbage.

11. Children’s movies are gifts from Satan.

Children, the only patrons of the movie theater who turn their seats into toilets at will.

12. Working almost exclusively on Friday nights and weekends can wreck your social life.

Let's face it, partying on a Tuesday is only cool in song lyrics (Club going up, on a Tuesday).

13. Having to a wear a jacket just to go grab a burrito next door when it’s 97 degrees outside is probably against some labor law.

Maybe this is a uniquely Florida problem, but that doesn't make it any less awful.

14. The job includes about 1,000+ things that were not listed on the application.

I really don't remember "knocking down wasps nests" being listed. I feel like I would have remembered that, considering I'm allergic.

15. As far as first jobs go, things could have been a lot worse. (Hi, welcome to McDonald’s! Can I take your order?)

At the end of the day nobody died and I probably won't need therapy so I consider it a success.