As a tall male, I am often presented with comments and questions about my height, and I have to admit- they’re unoriginal and frustrating. I cannot begin to express the amount of times that conversations centered around my height have repeated themselves. It’s like you short folk have your “giant” dialogue memorized, and because of that, I have my rehearsed responses.
Therefore, I’ve compiled a guide of phrases which should never be told to persons (specifically men) who are over 6 feet tall.
1. “How tall are you?”
If I had a dollar for every time somebody asked me this question, then I wouldn’t have to worry about student loans or a retirement plan. The answer is 6 feet and 7 inches, which is an abnormal height, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy answering this over and over again.
2. “I have a _____ who’s that tall.”
This is a constant follow-up to number one. Fill in the blank with any number of relations: brother, sister, uncle, aunt, friend, boyfriend, coworker, etc. Do you actually think that we care about your 7 foot grandmother? Actually, if you have a 7 foot granny, I’d be interested in hearing about that, but anyone else? No thanks.
3. “How’s the weather up there?”
Freaking fantastic, thanks for asking. The altitude change between my height and your height is not enough for a variance in temperature. We aren’t mountains; We’re people.
4. “What size shoe do you wear?”
The answer is a size 17, but I swear that if one more person asks me this question, than my shoe is gonna end up where the sun don’t shine. Also, side-note, I do have to special order my shoes, and it sucks because after customizing them and factoring in shipping and handling, the order costs about as much as my textbooks do.
5. “You can push the seat back if you need to.”
Whenever I get into somebody else’s car, these are the words that I’m always anticipating, but trust me- if I don’t have enough leg room, I will pull the lever on the side or the bottom of the chair and give myself enough leg room.
6. “I bet you had really awful growing pains.”
Yes. I did. They were traumatically terrible. Thanks for reminding me.
7. “Where do you shop for pants?”
- The Big and Tall Store
- Casual Male XL
- Men’s Wearhouse
and they’re all super expensive; This is why my wallet and my closet are almost completely empty.
8. “How tall is your dad?”
My dad is 5 feet 9 inches. I think it’s hilarious and slightly sexist that people always assume that the male is the tallest when in fact, my mother is 6 feet 2 inches. My height came from her side of the gene pool.
9. “Is it awkward kissing short people?”
Kissing is always awkward, regardless of height difference. Anybody who says otherwise is lying. I’m sure that the variance in altitudes adds an extra layer of awkward, but I’ve never known anything different. Anyhow, I’ve been told that I’m an excellent kisser, so the height really doesn’t bother me.
10. “You’re the perfect height for giving hugs!”
Ok, so maybe I’m not tired of hearing this one. I mainly just wanted to brag about how great of a hugger I am too. I’m good at kissing, hugging, and I’m tall, so come at me.
11. “Do you play basketball?”
I will admit that being a tall male at Gonzaga University is misleading, but unfortunately I am not athletically inclined, so I do not play on our insanely talented team. I wish that I was on the team though (because then my Instagram likes would be through the roof).
12. “Can you grab this for me? I can’t reach it.”
It’s like I’m everybody’s personal crane. I don’t mind helping out, but it’s just a constant reminder that I’m above all of you. Literally.
13. “I feel short standing next to you.”
I’ve always wanted to reply, “I’m sorry. Maybe you should stand somewhere else?
14. “Wow! You walk really fast.”
This one is simple math: long legs=long strides=more efficient walking. You might as well have just said “Wow! You’re tall.”
15. “Watch your head!”
I appreciate the warning, but I promise you that it’s inevitable. I’ve hit my head on everything imaginable (doorways, ceiling fans, tree branches, light fixtures- I’ve even got my head stuck in the sunroof of cars), and before every incident, someone has shouted those three haunting words.
Being tall is difficult , and your comments don’t make it any easier. You might think they’re funny, but we’ve heard it all before. Sometimes it’s flattering, but most likely, it’s repetitive. Sure, we’ll fake a smile, but inside we’re thinking about how much we’d like to lift our long legs and squash you with our giant shoes.
