Well, folks, it’s finally everyone’s absolute favorite day of the year. All around you are the sights, sounds, and physical evidence of your peers hooking up, and you really would give anything to have that, to make out in a disgusting and filthy underground frat basement! Just the thought makes your heart skip a beat, makes you consumed with complete jealousy.
It really makes me weak in the knees as I struggle to think of anything more romantic than celebrated materialistic consumerism every February 14th. I’ll admit, I really do cry myself to sleep some nights out of dissatisfaction of no snoring, no nuisance whining at me to hang out, no pressure whatsoever to cater to anyone else. It’s the worst.
Anyway, here is a compilation of the most romantic, adoring pastimes for you and your sweetheart to take part in this Valentine's Day. Forget candlelit dinners and drug-store chocolate boxes; each thing on this list will spice up your relationship in ways nothing else ever could. If you’re single, sure, do all of these things alone. If you have a significant other, please, I urge you to do them together.
1. Write existential poetry from the perspective of your 15-year-old selves!
2. Observe the graceful locomotion of the hermaphroditic roundworm, Caenorhabditis elegans!
3. Create a list of summer internships that you two really want to get, but probably have no chance at!
4. Eat a half box of Tagalong Girl Scout cookies. I did it once last year and got a 100% on my English midterm the next day. You never know what might happen to you!
5. Go to the gym! Burn 400 calories! While you’re at it, burn all evidence of tenth-grade journal entries!
6. Watch Arthur, the PBS show! Things might get a little too hot between you two every time the Mary Moo Cow theme song comes on, though!
7. Watch the Bee Movie slowed down but every time they say the word “bee,” you tell your significant other the entire embarrassing story of how you literally sent a handmade valentine to a guy with “just for the record, you rock” written on it and a picture of a vinyl record drawn on it back in high school! Fun!
8. Write a research paper on the potential existence of Planet Ten! Super helpful to have a boyfriend for peer review!
9. Do more practice problems about the Diels-Alder reaction! Think of yourselves together as nothing more than a diene and dienophile! So romantic!
10. Enter the inescapable vortex of the Instagram explore page and question why reptile videos are being suggested for you!
11. Write a(n erotic)Fanfiction of how the world would be if Hillary were president at this very moment! Would Trump still be in the picture? If so, how?
12. Compile a collection of phenomenal memes to send your friends complete with super sarcastic and relevant captions! You know, those special Valentine’s Day ones written in Comic Sans!
13. Drink six glasses of Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato Champagne because you have no access to that good stuff any other time of the year!
14. Tell your significant other that you two fit together better than the sticky ends of recombinant DNA only to have him finally get absolutely sick and tired of your lame puns and walk out on you!
15. Remember all of the reasons why you loathe men, never fail to remind yourself of this, and continue living a life of perpetual happiness and freedom.