Recently, Food Network has become one of my guilty pleasures. Cooking shows, particularly those of the competitive nature, are very entertaining and keep my hooked for hours. Though there are many great shows, one of my favorites has to be Chopped.
For those of you who don't know, Chopped is a cooking competition in which four chefs have to prepare a dish out of four basket ingredients -- which can range from pasta, meat, fish, all the way to mashed potato candy (Which apparently is a thing. Who knew?). They are then critiqued by a panel of judges on style, presentation, and creativity. And if their dish doesn't cut it? They will be chopped.
Though I haven't been watching the show very long, it's certainly grown on me. And what I've noticed is that little bits of my obsession with this show slip into my every day life, as well as with other fans. Because this show makes an impression on you, and before you know it, the cooking terminology is a part of your vocabulary.
Here are some things true fans of Chopped will instantly find to be true:
1. You know that "deconstructed" is code for "I'm going home."
2. You don't know exactly what durian is, but you know that it tastes awful.
3. You cannot make a risotto in 30 minutes. It cannot be done.
4. Inevitably, some contestant will try it, and you'll scream at the TV like it's the Superbowl. And Scott Conant will call them out on it.
5. On the subject of Scott, salt your food, or he'll find you.
6. After watching the show, you no longer make simple foods. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich you bring to work is now "a rustic peanut creme toast with a caramelized grape and sugar glaze."
7. "Rustic" may also be code for "I'm going home." Depends on the contestant.
8. If they do a tight shot on a contestant after time is called, you can bet your a** they forgot a basket ingredient.
9. But the person who forgot said ingredient probably won't go home.
10. Take a shot every time someone says "I've never worked with (x ingredient) before." We're drunk before the first commercial break.
**The person who doesn't know how to use it will cook it wrong every time.
11. The contestant who says they're the best is probably getting chopped round 1.
12. One of the dishes will be undercooked, under seasoned, or under salted. (See #5).
13. Blood will be shed...when someone inevitably cuts their finger and gets blood on the food.
14. Proteins and steaks can be sexy.
15. Alex Guarnaschelli is literally the best. Do not fight me on this.
16. As are some of the quotes, out of context.
17. Drinking game overtime: someone's heritage influences the dish.
18. Or someone pays homage to a distant relative with some odd ingredient, like watercress or bone marrow.
19. One female contestant per episode. Her male counter parts will probably underestimate her.
20. If it needs spice, dump in a whole bottle of Sriracha.
21. The last minute of cook time is probably the most stressful time of our lives.
22. Oh my god, "GET IT ON THE PLATE!"
23. The dish either has too much spice or not enough. Apparently, there's no in-between.
24. The desert round will bring anything from biscuit to french toast...but almost never desert.
25. You're more likely to find plastic or pin bones on the dish then you are an actual basket ingredient.
26. Long, literal explanations for exceedingly generic foods. ("Crunchy cheese curls," or "salted butter crackers," for example).
** In the same vein, fancy names for dishes that are essentially vegetables and a piece of seared meat.
27. You get REALLY excited when Maneet Chauhan is a judge (because she's pretty cool).
28. Some of the basket ingredients do not belong in food...and are pretty weird to boot.
29. Contestant: "I know I'm the best chef here."
"I look down at my dish and I think it's the clear winner."
"This isn't the last you'll see of me."
The audience:
30. Never underestimate the power of something as small as grill marks or peppers.
31. Chopped is a very serious show about cooking.
