In a moment of weakness at 11 p.m. after finishing season six of "Gilmore Girls," I finally did it. I broke down and downloaded the Bumble dating app. I'm a newbie to the world of online dating and was advised to avoid Tinder, at least at first. That was for the pros (read: women who can fend off many unwanted explicit messages from Tinder matches without losing all hope for humanity and spiraling into a pit of despair about the state of "dating"). I was not that woman.
Because Bumble only allows women to send the first message after a match, and that match expires after 24 hours if a conversation is not initiated, I had a tiny amount of hope that perhaps this app would actually be useful in creating a worthwhile connection. And at the very least, I would finally see what all the fuss over dating apps is about.
I set up my profile, with more attention to which photos I wanted to present and the exact wording of my short bio than I'd like to admit. But, I reasoned, if I'm going to join this unfamiliar world, might as well go all in, right?
I now understand the entertainment of swiping. Though I felt a bit shallow and judgmental from the incessant left and right, I couldn't help but admit swiping (and scrutinizing photos/bios, the best and worst of which were sent to my best friend for additional commentary) was fun (ok, I felt a LOT shallow). I spent two hours procrastinating swiping . TWO HOURS. (Can you get carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping?) I wondered at least five times during the evening what I was doing with my life, and thought how every decision had led me to this moment, sitting in my childhood room, staring at men and rating their attractiveness. Oh, what a world. At least my cat was asleep beside me.
I got a few matches within the first hour of swiping, and was immediately nervous when the "Do you want to chat?" option popped up on my phone screen. I saved it for later, hoping that at some point in the next 24 hours I would gain the courage to initiate a conversation (preferably with something more interesting than "hey." Wit takes time, people.) I must give guys kudos for often initiating conversations. It's scarier than it seems.
If I found a man attractive, I would then read his bio. Which often ended tragically with a swipe left.
After incredulously sending screenshots of a few of the bios to my male friend (who was surprised at some of the content) he started asking for my woman-ly advice to beef up his own profile. Convincing me I would do the men (and the women) of the online dating world a favor, I've written up a few general thoughts:
PHOTOS:
1. No Duck Face
Men, do not do this. Please. I personally do not find this look attractive on anybody, but particularly not on 27-year-old men in the mirror of a gym bathroom. A nice smile will suffice.
2. Speaking of Bathrooms...
No mirror pics. But especially no bathroom mirror pics. I do not want to see your dirty towels, your toilet, your contact lens case and watch shampoo you use, etc...
3. Are you Really 26, Reaaaally?
Because you don't look 26. You look 46. And I'm suspecting the latter is probably the case. Be honest with your age. Don't say you are younger to potentially have a pool of younger women.
4. Oh, That's Your "Buddy's Ex"?
If you have your arm around a pretty blonde woman in 3/5 photos, and you claim in your bio that she is your "buddy's ex." Either you have a really awesome buddy, or that's actually YOUR ex. (You sly dog, you.) Don't do this.
5. Selfies
These can be fine. But don't post a selfie from snapchat, staring *ahem* smoldering into the camera, with a caption that reads "model status." No.
6. If you only have photos from the gym. If you only have pictures of inanimate objects as your profile (ex: car). If you only have group photos. If you only have one photo. If I can't see your whole face in any of your photos: Probably not gonna be a match.
7. Please do not put up baby pictures. Why? I do not want to date you as a baby. Just why.
BIOS:
8. Poems
Unless they're cute and short (unlikely on both counts), don't write a poem in your bio. I love poems just as much as the next girl (probably more than the next girl. Plus I like poets) but you just sound dumb. Sorry to be rough, but enough is enough. (Ha. Ha. Ha.)
9. Do Not Say or Do Subtly (or blatant, obviously) Sexist Things
Speaks for itself. Example from a real bio: "Apps like this make sense. Girls love shopping so why not browse for boys." A more blatant example from a real profile photo: *On his t-shirt* "You can put makeup on but you can't hide the crazy." It's a good thing I can hide your profile- by swiping left.
10. Cliché's
Be honest in your bio. Don't try to impress. List what you genuinely like, that way a woman can tell if she has mutual interests and potentially be compelled to start a conversation.
You know what's not a conversation starter? "Work hard, play harder."- every guy's bio. "Got to the top and realized I'm afraid of heights, here's my insta: ali69."- every narcissistic (but "deceptively thoughtful") guy's bio.
11. No emojis in your bio.
12. Do not say in your bio that "Hopefully this is enough information to convince you that I won't murder you." Well, it could've been. Until you said that. Now I'm imagining you're Ted Bundy. Swipe left.
13. Occupation
Bumble allows you to put your occupation. Here's a hint what not to put: "CEO at solo Entrepreneur." Oh yeah? It would be a little embarrassing if you were anything other than the CEO at a venture that you run by yourself, no? Also, the sheer number of "Professional Athletes" on Bumble is astonishing to me.
...and last but not least,
14. Puppies and Grandmas
I'm adding this as a bonus category. Because although it is blaringly obvious what you are doing (Look! I'm a nice guy who loves his grandma! I have puppies, swipe right!) I can't blame you, because your tactic actually works here. You're right. Pictures with your tiny grandma and your golden retriever puppies are pretty adorable. Two points for you, backwards hat, tank-top wearing "Pro Chilin'" dude.
I hope this list proves helpful to the men out there. And to the women. Online dating through apps is hard, and I've only been on Bumble for three hours. Let's make it a little easier, one bathroom selfie at a time.
