*Cue Olympic theme song and five colorful rings* The Rio 2016 Olympic Games have arrived! We have all anxiously awaited these games since the London Olympics four years ago. Everyone knows it, the summer Olympics are just a little bit better, but no one wants to admit it. They have gymnastics, swimming, soccer, but mostly we are all in it for the table tennis (as well as the real tennis, of course). They are more exciting, and I can't think of a better way to spend a summer night than sitting down, relaxing and watching other people compete to be the best in the world at something. But, we all as spectators pretend to know exactly what the announcers are talking about, which is completely false, we just don't want to admit it. Double round off, back tuck, 180 flip, oh yeah she's got it in the bag. I'm sorry, what did you say? Here are some of the many things we pretend we know about during the Olympics.
1. "That slight knee bend on her dismount will cost her a 13th of a point for infraction."
The scoring of gymnastics will never make sense to me. There is no total points. The score that they receive is not out of anything. There is a highest possible score they can receive that is based on the difficulty of their trick and a certain amount of deductions they can get for the smallest things like bending their knees in some place they aren't supposed to. I will never fully understand how any of it works but I like watching anyway.
2. "If you watch her left foot, she is slightly off sides when going into goal but the ball was already passed to Morgan so it was a clear cross."
Soccer talk. The announcers follow every small move and never really stop talking. It is fast and short and hard to comprehend. I love the game and played most of my life, but if you don't now the players or the rules it is extremely hard to follow.
3. The 10,000 meter race in track and field.
How do they determine how far the farthest Olympic race is? When does it stop? 20,000? 30,000? Also, this race takes women about 30 minutes. The whole race is about the equivalent of six and a half miles. How do they do this? Are they even human?
4. Why are golf and tennis Olympic sports?
We already have golf and tennis tournaments to determine who the best players in the world are, and they are bigger deals than the Olympics in the golf and tennis world. The US Open for tennis is in a couple of weeks and it is one of the biggest tennis tournaments in the world. Why do players have to compete in the Olympics just a few weeks before if they are about to compete in a match that is essentially the same?
5. Table tennis.
Table tennis blows my mind. How do they even see the ball? There are strategies and plays for table tennis. There are different ways to hit the ball and to score higher points. It's just ping pong??
6. Weather factors in scoring.
In water sports like kayaking and rowing, if it's wavy or windy it doesn't matter. They still can't touch the posts that they are supposed to go through. The wind could blow it in a weird way and it could hit you even if you have enough room and you would still lose points. It could be stormy and wavy one day and the next it could be beautiful and calm and the scoring would be the exact same.
7. Water polo rules.
I don't even know where to begin. You can only catch the ball with two hands? They can't touch the bottom, but they can hang on the lane line? They have to swim into the play? I don't even want to know the rules.
8. Time zones.
Do the athletes compete for 24 hours straight? How do they regulate when they compete so that everyone all over the world can see them live?
9. Commentators.
The other night Michael Phelps shattered his own personal best time, swimming the race of his life. He then proceeded to get out of the pool at a little bit of a slower pace because HE JUST SWAM THE FASTEST HE HAS EVER SWAM BEFORE and the commentators were tearing him apart. They kept saying that his age was really showing because he was the last one to get out of the pool. Cool it, NBC, I would like to see Bob Costas get out of the pool that fast. If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.
10. How do they handle ties?
Do they just have extra medals laying around for three-way ties? There isn't a fight to the death for the medal?
11. Do they get to see their families?
These Olympians, who relying greatly on the support of their families, don't get to actually see their families during the games. They are not permitted into the Olympic Village. Although, a FaceTime from Boomer Phelps every night doesn't sound half bad.
12. Copacabana Beach
Why is Ryan Seacrest partying on a beach in Rio every night? What is the purpose of Copacabana Beach? What does it add to the games?
13. The Olympic Village.
I think all of the Olympic Villages have had problems in the past, but Rio's Olympic Village seems to be struggling quite a bit more than others. It doesn't seem too hard to make something nice for the best athletes in the world. They have had four years to make this village.
14. Any of the Olympic games.
It's all confusing and I love every second of it.
