Many, many years ago -- like... maybe two or three or something? -- my roommate started saying we should get people together to visit his place for Spring Break. There was some hesitance since he lived in Longmont, Colorado, and our school was tucked far away at the bottom of Indiana in the city of Evansville. However, I somehow managed to tear myself apart from the never-humid, always-sunshiny charm of town to pay my friend a visit. As you will see, it was clearly not worth it.

1. You may have to stop in Missouri and endure its tasteless,

unoriginal,

architecture.

2. And you may be forced to drive through boring,

dull,

predictable Kansas.

3. You might find the climate void of humidity and 18 degrees cooler than home.

4. Your roommate may have a vicious guard dog named Winston that warms up to you overnight and later falls asleep by you along with Bandit when you’re at the kitchen table.

5. You may be asked if you want to play your favorite board game, Catan.

6. You may end up watching a parade in town.

7. You may be introduced to a fun game you’ve never played before which you’ll ask to play again (and lose at again) multiple times throughout your stay.

8. Your roommate may play a board game you came up with or watch a crummy movie you like just because you’ve been away so long. (Cough, cough -- even Batman VS Superman -- cough, cough.)

9. You may have to make due with the lack of Pokéstops in the area.

10. You may have to get outside and climb a mountain.

11. He may take you to a bookshop since you like books.

or a tea shop that offers (to understate it just a touch) a few options.

You may see real-life-not-Pokémon-prairie dogs out in the wild. (Promise they were right-side-up at the time.)

OK, but these are real reasons, though: Your roommate’s dog may not be able understand that you’re leaving for a long time,

and there’s the whole thing where you and your roommate may get pathetically emotional and start speaking in taut sentences when he gives you all his Cheez-It’s for snacks on the trip back.

Plus, you may feel obliged to write a sarcastic article about how obviously terrible a time it was. Never go to Colorado. Never visit your old roommate.