Okay, I'll admit it—my obsession with "Gossip Girl" is a little excessive. But, after re-watching the series four times, I have deemed myself an expert, and my expertise tells me there is no possible way Dan Humphrey can be gossip girl. There are hard facts in several of the episodes proving this point.
1. Season 1, Episode 6: The Handmaiden’s Tale
Just as Dan and Serena are trying to figure things out (for the first time), Dan is caught off guard when he reads a Gossip Girl post that Serena is on the market for a Masked Ball date and impulsively decides to show up and surprise her. Sure Lonely Boy might be a mighty good con artist, but what does he gain by pretending to be surprised by a newly released Gossip Girl post when he’s sitting in his kitchen alone?
2. Season 1, Episode 13: A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate
Things between Dan and Serena have finally started to heat up (making those of us who are team Nate gag), when Gossip Girl leaks a picture of Serena buying a pregnancy test. Dan not only looks like he is going to vomit when Jenny shows him the post, but also comes to the realization that he loves her at the surprising thought of her being pregnant. Now, if that’s not enough to convince you, let’s take a second and acknowledge the fact that no 18-year-old boy in his right mind would send a picture of his girlfriend buying a pregnancy test to his entire school.
3. Season 2, Episode 1: Summer, Kind of Wonderful
Serena and Nate manipulate Gossip Girl into thinking that they are dating to cover up Nate’s affair with a married woman. First off, Dan is angry when he sees Nate and Serena kissing at the White Party (a hoax that got all of us a little too excited). Not to mention, there are also about 366,932 reasons why Dan Humphrey wouldn’t volunteer the information that things heated up between Nate and Serena over the summer, the fact that he’s trying to win Serena back when the blast is posted being the main one. If Dan were actually Gossip Girl, the power move would be to release that the relationship is a cover-up, rather than to draw attention to it.
4. Season 2, Episode 3: The Dark Night
It’s a new school year, and Dan and Serena are officially back on, only this time Dan doesn’t want anyone to know. They haven’t talked about the reason they broke up in the spring (Georgina), and Dan doesn’t want to have to explain it to his dad when he doesn’t know where the relationship is heading himself. But his reluctance to make the relationship public doesn’t stop him from kissing Serena passionately in the middle of New York City. Surprise! Someone snags a photo and sends it into Gossip Girl, but if Dan were so against telling their family and friends, why would he post a photo that outed them to the entire Upper East Side?
5. Season 2, Episode 9: There Might Be Blood
Ah, the first of Jenny’s many dramatic pleas for attention. Jenny escapes when she’s grounded to put on a fashion show, you know just normal 15-year-old girl stuff. Rufus and Dan are going mad trying to figure out where she might have gone. In the midst of their search, Dan opens the computer to Gossip Girl to see a picture of Nate and Jenny kissing at The Palace. This leaves Dan confused as to why Nate and Jenny are kissing, but relieved to know she is safe. Would a frantic brother really take the time to send a blast gossiping about his sister instead of viewing the information and immediately telling his father so they can get to her as fast as they can?
6. Season 2, Episode 9: There Might Be Blood
Yet another blast proves that Dan isn’t Gossip Girl in this episode. While Dan and Rufus are looking for Jenny, a blast is sent out that a high school girl, Muffy, has lost her virginity. Gossip Girl posted this as a favor to Blair and Chuck who sent this in to get the young girl that Blair is watching to throw in the towel in her race to lose her virginity before her friends. Not only is Dan not on good terms with either Chuck or Blair at this point in the series, but this also raises the question: why would Dan keep sending blasts when he’s worried sick searching for his sister?
7. Season 2, Episode 15: Gone With the Will
Lilly and Rufus have a love child, say wha? This unfortunate news surfaces right after Dan and Serena get back together (round three), and nothing says awkward like sharing a sibling with your girlfriend. Rufus breaks the news to Dan and Jenny, who both decide to keep it to themselves, or themselves and Vanessa. A snooping classmate witnesses Dan telling Vanessa and steals his phone when he’s in the heat of the moment. After reading through Dan’s texts, his classmate sends the juicy news about Lilly and Rufus to Gossip Girl. Serena spent the episode trying to figure out why Dan was acting so weird, suspecting he was cheating. This blast confirmed she had a reason to be suspicious, but proved to Serena there is some things are more awkward than catching your boyfriend cheating, like sharing a sibling with him. Dan Humphrey would never send this blast—not only because of his loyalty to his father because also because of how much it complicates his relationship with Serena. And let’s be real, their relationship was complicated enough before they threw in a half-brother.
8. Season 2, Episode 17: Carrnal Knowledge
You’d think after hiding a sibling from Serena, Dan would be on his best behavior, but yet again Gossip Girl takes the opportunity to sabotage their relationship when Dan messes up. Serena has a new teacher who is young, pretty and has the hots for Dan. Dan begins to get close with her while trying to balance his relationship with Serena. Dan and Ms. Carr are on the stairway to an inappropriate relationship when Gossip Girl jumps the gun and posts that Dan is sleeping with a teacher. Let’s just take a second. Dan Humphrey wants to jeopardize his own reputation, tarnish Ms. Carr’s career, and destroy his relationship with Serena, so he uses his alter ego, Gossip Girl to do it? Right. Makes sense.
9. Season 3, Episode 8: The Grandfather: Part II
Dan has put Serena on the back burner for a little, but that doesn’t mean he stuck the drama back there with her. Dan has gotten himself tangled in a relationship with movie star Olivia Burke (portrayed by Hilary Duff) and is struggling to keep up with the lifestyle. Sure, Olivia’s cute, smart, and down to earth, but she’s still a celebrity. She appears on Jimmy Fallon and accidently shares an embarrassing story about Dan. Dan missed the original airing of the episode, and Olivia goes out of her way to prevent him from seeing it. But in the world of Gossip Girl, there are no secrets, and inevitably, a blast is posted. Although Olivia stole Dan’s phone and deleted the blast, he still ends up seeing the blast and is visibly hurt when he sees it. So first, he’s pretending to be surprised when he finds out Serena needs a date for the ball, and now he’s surprised to see his girlfriend humiliate him on national television? Please stop with the mind games, Dan Humphrey.
10. Season 4, Episode 10: Gaslit
Serena has a wild past, but growing up on the Upper East Side with a less than concerned mother and an absent father, who can blame her? Although she has been clean since her return from boarding school, her peers have been anxiously awaiting her relapse. Dan is the only person who has always been in her corner. And if you haven’t already guessed, Dan and Serena are spending this episode trying to figure out their relationship. Yawn—haven’t we already been there? But this time, there’s a twist. Serena has made an enemy who is trying to frame her for a drug relapse, and Dan is the only one who is adamant on the fact that she doesn’t need rehab. So Dan and Serena are dancing with the idea of getting back together, and he’s trying his best to convince everyone she doesn’t need to go to rehab, but he posts a picture of her snorting cocaine on Gossip Girl? Can we agree that this boy has some seriously messed up morals?
11. Season 4, Episode 11: The Townie
Serena’s back in rehab, and Dan, Blair, and Nate have figured out who did it. Juliet Sharpe believes Serena is the reason her brother is behind bars, and she’s determined to make her pay. Although Dan and company have enough detective skills to figure out what Juliet’s up to, they can’t seem to figure out where she is. Dan’s solution? Email Gossip Girl. Normally I wouldn’t argue with that tactic seeing as how Gossip Girl knows all, but what is good is emailing yourself going to do? The worst part is that Gossip Girl responds with an address. C’mon now. Who can make sense out of this one?
12. Season 4, Episode 19: Petty in Pink
Dan and Serena are over. Dan and Blair are best friends. Blair's dating a prince. Seriously, what’s going on? Blair’s relationship with the prince is forbidden. The only way it will work out is if Blair can convince Louis’s royal handler that she is dating someone else. Reluctantly, Dan agrees to stage a private intimate moment in front of the handler. The only way Dan agrees to do it is if Blair promises Serena won’t find out. But, much like every other secret on this show, Gossip Girl gets her hands on footage of Blair and Dan’s staged kiss—and gasp—releases it. Yet another time when Gossip Girl posts something Dan is desperately trying to keep a secret. No man is willing to compromise his dignity that often.
13. Season 5, Episode 3: The Jewel of Denial
Dan wrote a novel, and Vanessa submitted it to a publicist. Dan should be thrilled, right? Wrong. This entire novel is based off the vicious secrets and his true (insulting) opinions of his peers on the Upper East Side. Seeing as how these are the people Dan spends all of his time with, he’s desperate to kill the publication. He resorts to Blair’s scheming tactics to figure out who the publisher is. Dan becomes even more frantic when Gossip Girl begins to release information about the author of "Inside." So, Dan wrote a book. He doesn’t want anyone to know he wrote this book. He also posts information about it to all of his friends who he is trying to hide it from. Math certainly isn’t my strong suit, but something about that definitely doesn’t add up.
14. Season 5, Episode 13: G.G
Blair’s dream (or pretend dream, because we all know her true dream is to marry Chuck Bass) is coming true. Blair is about to marry into royalty. But there’s no such thing as a Gossip Girl wedding that is drama free. Blair is marrying Louis, but both Chuck and Dan are pining after her, a step up from a love triangle. Blair’s wedding is interrupted by a Gossip Girl blast. Everyone’s phone is buzzing with a video of Blair confessing her love to Chuck while wearing her wedding gown. Okay, maybe Dan posted the video because he’s in love with Blair and will do anything to stop her from marrying Louis. But Dan is standing on the altar as a groomsman when the video was released. A groomsman who takes down the bride in the middle of her royal wedding? That’s a little extreme, even for you, Dan Humphrey.
If this doesn't convince you that Dan isn't Gossip Girl, I'm not sure what will. I don't know about you guys, but I'm still convinced that it should have been Dorota.