If you're into EDM or you have friends who are, odds are that you might have attended at least one concert absolutely sober. Maybe you're underage, you don't drink or were running late, the logistics don't matter. The point is you might be able to relate to some of these:
1. The fashion show spectator
Before the concert actually begins you stand in the corner with your friends and watch the sea of girls dressed like Victoria's Secret Angels walk on by and you think to yourself, how could they possibly be comfortable in that. But kudos to them for looking great and carrying those outfits off with impeccable confidence!2. You make a new best friend
Invariably, there will be that one drunk girl who will photobomb all your pictures, give you a bear hug and call you her "NEW BEST FRIEND! ERMIGHERD!". She may even give you her Instagram and Snapchat id and, with tears in her eyes, make you promise to stay in touch "FOREVER AND EVER"
3. And you are genuinely disappointed when the cops carry her away
Awww man, she was growing me!
4. The pre-show DJs are awful and you start wondering whether this was worth 40$ of your hard earned money.
Probably not.
5. The sexism, O! the sexism.
DJ random: "we need some gurrls up on this stage"
*stampede* you almost get knocked to the ground in the stampede of girls rushing to obey the command of DJ whoever.
DJ what's-his-face: "University of Whatever has the sexiest bitches on this planet"
*camera pans over their booties.*
*lechy folks in the front row pull out their smart phones and zoom into the butts of these women*
Ugh!
Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for owning your body and sexuality. It's a great form of empowerment. However, to paraphrase Shabana Azmi, when a camera comes into play you lose that ownership and the power rests in the hands of the person holding the camera as to how you will be portrayed. Objectification, hello? Click here to watch this excerpt from the show.
6. The shoving
So you and your friends team up and shove them right back. Okay, that was fun!
7. That one couple. We all know that couple.
You know which couple I'm talking about. They push each other, push their friends, push you, go round and round in circles pushing everything within a three foot radius. Seriously, what is it with EDM concerts and pushing people? Finally you've had enough and you turn around and just punch one of them. Odds are they didn't even realize.
UGHH!!!
8. The short girl who keeps whacking your chin
Unless you are the short girl, in which case this should read "The tall person whose chin keeps whacking the top of your head". Either way, several bruises were created that day.
9. When you find your friends after you lost them
You have a woo-girl moment inside your head and then you remember you actually hate this and you hate them even more for bringing you here.
10. You start reminiscing
Eventually, that ex-flame, crush or prospective someone who liked/likes this kind of music trots into your train of thought and before you know it, you're reminiscing. You might have been able to bear this special kind of hell if he/she were here... and then BOOM! No.11 happens.
11. The sleazeball
"Hey babe, you having fun?"
"No."
"You wanna have some fun?"
"No. Go away."
"Awww come on!"
"Go away before I punch you too"
*Show him your bruised knuckles, give him a death stare and he knows you mean business*
*skips away*
12. The "bass" or whatever they call it is "insane"
Okay, so I'm fearing for my cochleae right now. And well, I'm also wondering about possible tachycardia. I have now started to trace the history of heart disease in my family. Will I live to tell the tale of this awful night? ARRGH! My head is pounding. Dammit, migraines!
13. WHY ARE THEY THROWING GROSS LIQUIDS ALL OVER THE PLACE ?!
Just ew. Was that really necessary? I do not know what this weird wet stuff is. I need to take 10 showers once I get home. URGH!
14. You're just done.
You're tired of standing. You're tired of these weird sounds. You're tired of shoving people. You're tired of being shoved by people. You're tired of being drenched in weird watery substances. You're tired. So you say bye to your friends and the get the hell out of that place.
On the bright side however, you probably catch an Uber and end up having the most meaningful conversation with your Uber driver who might just happen to give you his card in case you're ever looking for a ride.
Hey! I just made a friend.
In conclusion I would just like to say: Yes, I know. I'm real fun at parties.
Bye.
