Cats have permeated my life for the past ten years. My family has a cat - and she's an elderly demon kitty. My roommate has a cat - and he's an adorable little punk who knocks things over for fun. My sister has two cats I refer to as my neph-kitty and niece-kitty - and they're polar opposites, might I add. Cats are kind of everywhere in my life. They are quite lovable creatures...if you do it properly. To love - and live with - a cat, there are several things you must be prepared for.
1. Some are slightly meaner than others.
My own cat is not to be touched, under any circumstances. Doubt me? We have to sedate her at the vet, and not just for surgeries. To get her nails trimmed. They fear our very name at that place.2. Brace yourself to be ignored.
You know how dogs can sense your emotions and know when you need love? Not so with felines. You will come home after a long day, hold your arms out to your kitty for love, and they will turn their nose up at you, promptly waltzing away. Or they'll bat at their food dish. Feed me, peasant!
3. Or, in another vein, be aware that cats have no sense of personal boundaries.
When your ferocious feline does deign to cuddle with you, trust me, it will not be at a convenient time. You will be typing, and he will lay on your keyboard. You will be napping, and you'll feel a furry mass push its way under your face. It's not okay.
4. The claws will find you.
And they will likely kill you. One of my sister's "babies" must have claws inserted into whatever she is laying on. Unfortunately, that perch is usually my chest. Girl, I got sensitive skin! Get yo' claws outta me!
5. The food dish is never truly full.
And it will never be full. If it is anything less than brimming, your kitty shall fling itself on the floor, resigned to slow starvation. That, or the less passive aggressive ones will bat the dish about until you notice. Or upturn the water dish. If you test me, slave, you will fail.
6. If your cat is staring at you for some unknown reason, they are plotting your death.
This is scientifically proven. Run as far and as fast as you can. Do be sure to leave them with another victim - ahem! I mean owner. Neglect is never okay.
7. On a positive note, they are remarkably adorable when scared.
Provided, of course, the tree they choose to scale for safety is not your leg. Then they are little champions of terror that must be removed at all costs.
8. Is he meowing at you? That's because he thinks you're stupid.
No, really. I swear, wild cats only meow as babies. The domestic feline is literally using baby talk on you. Because clearly their superior language is too complex for your tiny human brain to comprehend.
9. All cats are, without exception, plotting world dominion.
And perhaps the world will be a better place, for some. Cat people will see kind, benevolent, feline Nelson Moewndelas. Dog people will see Meowseph Stalin. Fear the Kittmunists.
10. Cat hair. Everywhere.
It clings. Wearing dark clothing? Inevitably, there will be golden cat hairs attached. Light clothing? Isn't your cat black? 'Tis a cruel, cruel fact of feline line.
11. Human beings will start to remind you of cats.
You know those lovely little rays of pitch black that we all love purely because everybody needs that one morbid friend in your life? Picture April Ludgate. These people are cats in human form.
12. Cats were worshiped in Ancient Egypt and they have not forgotten this.
Make no mistake. You are not the alpha. It is they, and only they, who rule this roost.
13. Cats may be relatively clean creatures, but when they aren't, it's bad.
Kitty barf is gross. So is kitty poop. Neither of them are pleasant to step in. Watch yourself in the middle of the night when you're on a bathroom run.
14. Cats are, without question, the most wonderful companions out there.
No questions asked. All things I have previously stated ignored. If you have a kitty, cherish them. They won't ever disappoint.
