Unlike most college students, who tend to worry about future job stability, success, income and rationality, I have decided to major in that which is the most unusual of the usual majors; English. In the weeks preceding finals, as my peers are holed up in libraries and the darkest corners of their minds, I skip through fields of poppies and rabbits, collecting them in my arms as I whisper to them the finest, sweetest nothings that romance can conjure.
But although my major is not the most typical of college majors, English majors are people too. And we’re tired of hearing…
1. “Hey English major, write me a haiku!”
I’m getting tired of walking down Bruin Walk and having random strangers jump on top of me, tying my wrists down with zip-ties to the nearest staircase railing, pummeling me until I start seeing red, and demanding that I write them a delicate but powerful 5-7-5 syllabic poem. Just let me go to class, please.
2. “Hey English major, are you gonna cry??”
It’s such an unfair stereotype that all English majors are hypersensitive daffodils that can’t make it through a single hour without weeping over some lost love. It’s something Abigail always held against me. Oh my sweet, sweet Abigail... I miss you so.
3. “Hey English major, how do you say ‘burrito’ in English?”
Ok, I get it. I’m studying English so now I’m expected to know how to say everything in English. I’m sorry, random person, I don’t know how to say "burrito" in English any more than you do.
4. “Hey English major, how is F. Scott Fitzgerald doing?”
Ha, ha. Super funny. Because I’m an English major I’m friends with every author who ever existed, dead or alive. Well, guess what? I’m not going to tell you how F. Scott Fitzgerald is doing because he’s very private and he doesn’t like when I tell people about him.
5. “Hey English major, how do the Romantic poets of the 18th century interfuse the radical political atmosphere of English society at the time into their descriptions of nature, and what figurative devices do they use to accomplish this?”
You don’t think I get enough of this in class? I don’t need to hear it from my roommate as well!
6. “Hey English major, what channel is ESPN on?”
This one drives me crazy. I know that I’m not that great at math because I haven’t done it in a while, but to rub it in my face by asking me complex mathematical equations like this is just conceited and rude. No, I don’t know how to calculate what channel ESPN is on. Happy, Einstein?
7. “Hey English major, there’s a pretty girl over there. Are you madly in love with her now?”
I want to make something very clear. Not all English majors are irrational romantics who fall in love with every beating pulse they see. But that Jamba Juice cashier was not some “random girl.” She is the exquisite epitome of beauty, grace, and everything in between, and I love her.
8. “Hey English major, how many Shakespeare plays did you read last night?”
Four. But I don’t like your tone.
9. “Hey English major, write my paper for me!”
I admit, I probably enjoy writing papers more than the average student. But it is still exhausting for me, and I already have to do it so much that I don’t want to go out of my way to write yours just because you’re lazy.
12. “Hey English major, do you even know how to count?”
Yes, I do. Come on, everyone knows how to count. What a silly, ridiculous question to ask.
11. “Hey English major, make this heart-broken giraffe feel loved and beautiful for the first time since it caught sight of, and then lost, the most invigorating female giraffe it ever laid its giraffe eyes upon.”
Look, I may not have the same amount of homework as a South Campus major, but I do have a lot of reading to do. I don’t have time to continually console and swoon your zoo animals into self-confidence every time they get their heart broken.
12. “Hey English major, I really respect what you do.”
Way to be underhanded about your insult. I can tell through your use of alliteration, used in line one, “really respect” (You, pg. 1) that you are employing an atmosphere of aestheticism to your sentence. Thus, you are implying that your remark should be taken superficially. This, in turn, represents how disingenuous your comment really is.
13. “Hey English major, you might be over-analyzing things.”
What could you mean by that?
