Disclaimer: I am a writer and like to explore various types of writing. This is obviously satire--just have fun with it.
For any college student, a coffee shop is the perfect place to get some work done. It's got a stimulating atmosphere, a quiet hum in the background, and most importantly, you can get your caffeine fix to help you push through your work. But with all the time I've spent in coffee shops, I can't help but notice that there are certain types of people that also frequent them. So if you're a coffee aficionado like me, imagine walking into your own favorite coffee shop. Here are the 13 people you'll meet there:
1. The barista who is so done with everyone's crap.
He stares at the line out the door with hate burning in his eyes. He knows he doesn't get paid enough to hear ridiculous "grande in a venti cup, iced but no ice, non-fat skinny latte, some foam, low-sugar, extra cinnamon at 120 degrees" coffee orders. As you walk up to the counter to order, he runs his hand through his green-dyed hair and lets out a sigh so loud and heavy, you feel his sadness and frustration blow your hair behind your shoulders. He says, "What can I get for you" with so little enthusiasm, you're not sure if you want to give him a hug or run away out of fear. His eyes are dead as he so clearly questions his life stuck behind a counter. You order the simplest thing on the menu so you don't have to inconvenience him anymore. You say, "Thanks" and he just stares blankly ahead. You sit down, not sure what just happened or how to feel about it.
2. The hipster who drank coffee before it was cool.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank the coffee before it was cool. *budump tssss* He sits in the corner chair sipping his black Fair Trade coffee, a perfectly messy man bun sitting behind his head. You admire his beard and wonder how long it took him to grow it out. He stares down at his tattered and torn copy of On The Road by Jack Kerouac through large-rimmed black glasses that, after a few double-takes and quite a lot of squinting, clearly don't have lenses--über cool. You question how he wears a black sweater in the middle of the summer, but you remember he's a hipster--he was cool before summer was hot.
3. Those two basic girls who are only there to swoon over the hipsters.
Clad in high-waisted shorts and crop tops, they sip their iced chai lattes and whisper about how "misunderstood" and "hot" the hipster in the corner is. He pretends he can't hear them, but he secretly loves the attention--irony at its hipster finest. They gossip about that girl Becky from calculus and snap selfies to document their entire 45-minute stay at the shop. They can't wait for Autumn--pumpkin spice latte season.
4. The new employee who just can't get a break.
As you walk up to the counter to retrieve your coffee, she smiles just a little too much and nervously looks at you, hoping she made your order right and praying her manager doesn't yell at her for the 500th time that day. Grabbing your coffee, you make sure to return a smile and sincerely say, "Thank you," because you genuinely feel bad for her. It isn't easy to jump into the coffee-making business, and you wish her the best as she exhales all the breath she was holding in, noticing she finally made a drink correctly.
5. Those three soccer moms who take up the largest table in the middle of the room.
They have clearly decided to escape the mom life for two hours while their kids are stuck running drills in 90-degree weather. And this isn't their first coffee shop experience--by the glares the barista-who-is-so-done-with-everyone's-crap is shooting them, they for sure come here and irritate everyone on the daily. Sporting ponytails, yoga pants, and pink Nikes, they talk loud enough for everyone to hear them brag about their children's mediocre accomplishments and how wonderful their husbands are--obviously a lie. They sip non-fat lattes, pretending they aren't consuming two days' worth of sugar in one sitting. You cringe every time they laugh like hyenas and pray that somehow soccer practice ends early and they all leave in their minivans with the white family stick figures and the "My Kid Is An Honor Roll Student" stickers on the back.
6. The tweens who are only there for the Instagram.
They order grande Frappuccinos and bring their own Sharpies so they can rewrite their name in perfect script or tacky bubble letters on the other side of the cup. They've definitely ordered the Unicorn Frappuccino before. They sport the latest Hollister and Aeropostale graphic tees and perfectly straightened hair and suddenly you're thrown back to your awkward middle school years, except these tweens somehow look older than you and have better phones. They place their Frappuccinos together on the table and snap pics to post their Insta--which for sure has a theme.
7. That guy who's trying to start up a business in the middle of another thriving business.
He's middle-aged and quit his corporate job in the hopes of becoming the boss and maybe actually enjoying his life for once. He sits at a small table in the corner with his Macbook Pro, a piece of technology he's still trying to learn as he pecks at the keys, papers and contracts strewn across the table. His smartphone is glued to his ear as he tries to seal a business deal. He's on his third cup of coffee, his leg rapidly shaking up and down, and he runs his hand through his almost nonexistent head of hair, clearly stressed out to the max. Maybe the success of the establishment he currently sits in will rub off on him.
8. The newbie who is so overwhelmed by the menu.
9. The regular who just strolls in and already has her drink ready to go.
The barista-who-is-so-done-with-everyone's-crap actually breaks a small smile and says, "Good morning, Sharon" as Sharon, the regular, strolls past the line to the counter, where the rookie employee hands her the usual. The newbie admires the confidence with which Sharon walks through the coffee shop and makes another mental note for next time. This is definitely not Sharon's first coffee rodeo; she knows what she likes and she gets what she wants. Female power. Boom.
10. That guy in a suit who knew he only had a fifteen-minute lunch break and decided to take the ten-minute drive and demand that the barista makes his drink immediately or else he will be late.
We all know this guy. Obviously, it's his own damn fault that he'll be back five minutes late to his desk job that makes him miserable since he clearly hasn't learned any time management skills in his life as a grown man, yet here he is yelling at the barista-who-is-so-done-with-everyone's-shit and the new-employee-who-just-can't-catch-a-break to make his drink immediately, despite the line of people in front of him. "I only have five minutes, I need my double shot of espresso NOW!" the angry man in a suit demands, complete with pointing fingers. Sorry sir, but you'll have to wait in line like the rest of us peasants. Maybe in your two-minute wait, you'll learn what time management is...and anger management.
11. That one old man who just stares at everyone.
He sits in a chair that allows him to view the entire room. He has his coffee with cream in one hand, a book in the other--but he's obviously not reading because you just made awkward eye contact with him...five times. Unfortunately, you made the wrong choice when you sat down to face him. He never smiles. You question whether his wandering eyes are judging you and the other people in the coffee shop. It's a little offsetting at first, but this is the level of IDGAF-what-anyone-thinks that you aspire to be when you're elderly. Props to that old guy that sits in the corner and stares at everyone--but stop staring at me.
12. The aspiring writers.
But wait--there's more. There's also the female version. She sits slumped over her laptop, furiously typing away at, aggressive keyboard sounds piercing the white noise of the coffee shop. She's on her second iced coffee, and while she really has to pee now, she knows that if she leaves her position, she will instantly forget all of her ideas and hate herself for the next three days. She peers over her square-rimmed glasses at the few sentences she has managed to type onto the word document, but as she reads her work so far, she angrily jabs the backspace key and lets out a frustrated sigh, enough to make the couple next to her turn around and stare. She doubts if she'll ever make it in the world of writing and contemplates her life goals as she finally gets up to relieve her bladder.
13. The stressed-out college kids.
You can sense they're already in the shop before you've seen them because their stressed-out, anxiety-ridden energy fills the room and somehow makes you more on edge. It doesn't even look like they're sitting at a table anymore; it's like they're gathered around a bunch of floating textbooks, notebooks, and Macs. For the last five hours, they haven't moved; they've been running on overpriced, sugary lattes and crackers and are crashing fast. One's pulling at her hair, the other's tapping the table, and the one on the end looks like she might burst into tears at any given moment for any reason. But you've been there--you understand how they feel and silently send them some good vibes and hope they finish their endless amount of homework soon.
So next time you're hanging out at a coffee shop, take a look around and see if you can spot any of these thirteen people. If you can, you're sure in for an interesting experience.
