Let's flash back to middle school for just a few minutes to talk about the terror that plagued boys and girls alike: braces. If you were one of those lucky people who had great teeth thrust upon them at birth just know that I, and many other people, envied you. Chances are we may still envy you because our teeth may have shifted due to our lack of wearing retainers. While your life may have sucked when you had them, it got better as soon as the orthodontist scheduled your last appointment. So let's take a quick trip down memory lane to remind you what having braces was like.
1. Having to pop Advil before your appointments just in case.
You never knew what the orthodontist had planned until you got there so you'd be prepared in case he gave you power-chains.
2. The braces themselves didn't hurt that much, but the power-chains sure did!
Orthodontists say they're necessary to close gaps but I think they're really just some modern form of torture.
3. Picking out the colors for the braces was one of the hardest decisions you were faced with.
One momentary lapse in judgement could lead to weeks of embarrassment and regret. Yeah it's October but are black and orange good colors to have in your mouth? Also, yellow is never a good choice.
4. Not being able to eat chewy candy or popcorn at sleepovers where all your friends were stuffing their faces was pure torture.
Do you eat it and risk breaking a bracket, or do you suffer all night long?
5. Trying to convince your orthodontist your bracket broke because it was loose, not because you ate caramel, was like a high stakes police interrogation.
"I swear I haven't had any of that in ages! It just broke!"
6. And when you did break your bracket on a forbidden food you were reluctant to get it fixed because you knew you'd be getting a lecture.
Why don't you try giving up fruit snacks cold turkey and see how that works out for you!
7. Brushing your teeth took up more than half of your morning routine.
Having those hideous brace marks would be almost more mortifying than having braces was.
8. Nine times out of 10 there was food stuck in your teeth.
Basically, everyone could tell what you recently finished eating.
9. Flossing was impossible!
If it's so important for our dental health why is it so hard to do?
10. I bet I can send a chill up your spine using only two words: rubber bands.
As if you didn't look nerdy enough!
11. Always having to carry a tiny mirror with you so you could see to put those rubber bands on.
Do I really need to hook these on in a rectangle on my back four teeth or do you just hate me?
12. Long after your braces came off you were finding rubber bands.
It's like they could self-reproduce or something!
13. The only thing worse than braces was the mold needed to make your retainer.
"Can someone hand me a towel so I can mop up all my drool??"
You can breathe normally, now, our trip is over. Congrats for beating braces! Hopefully, you have shiny, straight teeth now! If not, I'll pray for you when you go through this process again.
