One house, one girl and three guys: What could possibly go wrong?
When I moved into my new American home this summer, fresh from the peace and quiet of my family home in East Texas, I thought I had it all figured out. As it turns out, I was kind of wrong about that.
Living in what can only be described as an oversized bachelor pad was eye-opening, to say the least. Among other things, I learned that you can’t totally know men until you’ve lived with a pack of them.
I was aware guys like to yell, but I didn’t realize guys like to yell about everything. Even if they say they aren’t yelling and that they are talking out loud.
I did know men have soft spots, but I had never seen them at their most vulnerable, crying over a character death in a movie, with a face full of popcorn.
Sometimes, the lingering scent of testosterone can be enough to send you running away for a pumpkin spice latte. Sometimes, you yearn for someone with whom to get excited about crafting and celebrity gossip.
Above all, you learn. You learn to drown out the loud talking behind the bathroom door, while you relax in a hot shower. You learn the correct way to tell them to get their sh*t together and clean their own dishes.
Being the only woman in a house full of dudes can teach you all sorts of weird and wonderful things. Here are a notable few of them:
1. In the company of their bros, all men are confident they are masters of sex and their bromance.
Sweet, sweet bravado. It really is adorable. Then it gets highly annoying…
2. Pizza every day? But, of course!
At home, guys have three main food groups: pizza and beer and chicken. Your recycling bin will become a testimony to this fact.
Your freezer will become a carefully curated trove of frozen pizzas: Totino’s for lunch, DiGiorno for dinner and pizza bites for snacks. Splurging on Domino’s is considered fine dining.
3. Woe betide any mancave with only two bathrooms.
Men tend to take a 30 minutes minimum in the bathroom when nature calls. When it comes to my boyfriend from the other roommates he takes more like an hour. With my luck he is using the restroom and someone is taking a shower.
4. Taking control of the remote is everything.
Oh, you wanted to cuddle up with your duvet and hit up the new season of “New Girl” because you weirdly identify? You will have to fight for the remote first. Especially when one wants to play a new video game or...
The good news is, once the boys settle down and allow you to watch your “girly shows,” they will realize that your girly shows are actually awesome. Next week, suggest ice cream and the Tuesday slot is officially yours.
5. Guys love “feminine touches,” honestly.
Don’t let them fool you into thinking they don’t like your fresh-from-Pinterest mason jar herb garden. Despite the protests, guys actually don’t mind all of our cushions and string lights and trinkets.
In fact, they like the house to smell like potpourri and having fluffy pink towels with which to scrub their faces. Give it time; you may even notice one of them sneaking a scented candle (or three) for the bedroom.
6. Socks. Everywhere.
One of the bizarre evolutionary quirks of the male gender is the capacity to misplace socks.
You will find socks on the kitchen table, in the sink, on the counters, on the stairs, stuffed in shoes, stuffed in pockets and everywhere else, except for where they belong. However I’m pretty sure the cat is the sock thief and puts them in the kitchen….
7. You must accept that “toilet seat up” is the new default.
The struggle is real. You can gripe and complain, however just wait till 3 a.m. and the seat is up and they have to do a number two….. They will learn real quick.
8. They have an extensive survival plan for the zombie apocalypse.
After the video games and pizza, there’s no topic of conversation more thrilling to your average Joe than detailing his escape plan for the zombie apocalypse.
Just remember to whip them back into check when they tell you you’re going to be the “cooking wench.”
9. You’ll discover new hobbies.
When they’re not glued to the TV, eating or sleeping, most guys have a secret stash of strange hobbies. After all the geeky Xbox games have been exhausted, there’s a whole world of weird, wonderful things for you to indulge.
LAN parties. Magic the Gathering. Dungeons and Dragons. You may scoff, but once you’ve felt the exhilaration of kicking some (imaginary) orc ass, you’ll admit it’s pretty fun to nerd out with the lads.
10. They know exactly how to cheer you up after a long day.
Sure, you could buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and cry into your pillow, but in a man’s world, it’s always time for Cards Against Humanity or Munchkin. Channel your rage into fighting the monster to go up a lever or throwing down that hilarious winning card.
11. Sh*t gets real when it’s time for mowing and taking out the trash.
Yeah, OK, they get really defensive if you start to take the trash out or offer to help mow the yard… because apparently it’s a “Man's Job.”
12. Sometimes, just sometimes, they’re really insightful.
Honestly, who’s better at guy advice than, well, a guy?
13. At the end of the day, your bros always have your back.
Once you’ve earned a dude’s loyalty, you have a friend for life. What’s better than a best guy friend? A pack of best guy friends.
When you get home from the hospital they will turn into the protective big brothers and won’t let you do anything because they want you to heal and be OK as much as your own family does.
