Bathing suit shopping is Satan's gift to womankind that never stops giving. It feels like every summer, there's a new reason that I need to buy a brand-new bikini, and those reasons seem to constantly be piling on my hips. And because bathing suit shopping is pretty much impossible to do online, you're pretty much guaranteed to have a painful trip to the mall in your future. These are the twelve feelings we all know when shopping for bathing suits.
1. Bikini shopping, after spending an obscene amount of money on panties, is basically the worst type of shopping known to man. Before you're even in the store, you're dreading what's ahead
2. You've definitely put this trip off way longer than you should have, so now you need to drag yourself into the sweaty, sticky summertime to undertake the impossible task.
3. First of all, every top was clearly designed by someone who has never had a pair of boobs. If you're a bigger girl, the flimsy lack-of-support will have you dangerously close to a nip-slip all summer.
4. Or, if you were blessed with a magic chest that stays in place no matter how you move, you'll definitely still be constantly adjusting thanks to those weird padded things that never stay in their assigned seats.
Seriously? Can't you just sew them in place?
5. And when it comes to bottoms, you'll ether be pouring out of them.
That's what happens when you try to shove 20 pounds of ba-donk into a 5-pound hipster bottom.
6. Or you'll look like a toddler who desperately needs a change.
7. Don't think you can escape by getting a one-piece. It seems like every designer has their heart set on forcing every woman into a suit that looks like something you'd see in the modern art section of the MoMA.
Why? Just why?
8. When you finally find a suit you like, it's guaranteed to break your heart in some way.
Fitting, affordable, won't-fall-apart-after-two-washes. You can choose two.
9. When you get a full-body view, you'll instantly hate yourself for giving up on your New Years Resolution to get fit.
10. Amazingly, you'll soon get exhausted from just trying on suit after suit. You'll wish you could just drop down and take a nap in the Victoria's Secret dressing room.
Angriest nap ever.
11. And when you finally get jabbed by a sensor tag in a sensitive area, you'll decide that enough is enough
12. Until eventually, you'll just say "forget it," and head home to try and cram yourself into last year's bikini.
Whatever. You know you still look fly.
