When the sun rises on November first, Christmas decorations and products in the form plastic evergreen trees, light up reindeer, and more green-and-red colored clothes and merchandise than you could shake a jingle bell at have already been placed on the shelves of department stores, malls, and shops across America. The Christmas Season is the most capitalized product in the United States since sliced bread, and thus, the Christmas season has been expanded to begin as early as mid October. I however, find this premature invasion of the Christmas spirit to be problematic, and believe that, for the following reasons, Christmas needs to hold its horses.
1. People should not be forced to listen to "Last Christmas" for two entire months. It is inhumane.
2. Every time a Christmas Tree goes up before Thanksgiving, a reindeer dies.
3. Thanksgiving is an awesome holiday (despite the fact that it is based on colonialism and lies, but what holidays aren't based on lies, really?) and does not deserve to be the Gretchen Weiners to Christmas' Glen Coco.
4. If the leaves haven't even finished changing yet (or started changing if you're in the deep south), it's too early for Christmas.
5. If you haven't finished your Halloween Candy, it's too soon for Christmas.
6. If you haven't handed out your Halloween candy yet, it's too early for Christmas.
7. If you notice signs advertising Back-to-School specials, it's too soon for Christmas.
8. Despite the simultaneous presence of red and green fireworks in the sky, July fourth is too soon to begin preparing for Christmas.
9. If swimsuits and beach balls are still being featured at the front of the store, you need to take that Santa hat off and put it back in your closet because it is not Christmas yet!
10. If, on your customary Christmas sleigh ride, you notice that baby birds are being born, pollen is everywhere, and the flowers are blooming, turn that one-horse-open-abomination around and go home because it is spring and too early for Christmas.
We are all active or complicit accomplices of Christmas getting way too ahead of itself, and it will take all of us to encourage Christmas to reel it back a little. For everyone's sake, as well as for Christmas' own good, Christmas needs to wait its turn.
