1. "Sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come."
A petty remark to rebuttal anyone who comments how late you were. You arrive on your own time. I don't rush for anyone.
2. "I'm so sorry… you 'think' you deserve an apology."
One great way to apololie (yes, that's now a word, sue me) is to offer the olive branch…and proceeding to jab it into them, twisting as you do so. Say this for the ridiculous moments where you're expected to atone for any little thing that even ants wouldn't even bow their heads to. The inflection of the voice is crucial to the delivery of this line. Along with some flimsy hand gestures.
3. "Budget cuts."
Say this whenever something doesn't go your way. Blame it on the $$. Whenever something should be high-quality, and really isn't, despite the amount of "effort" given. Doubles as self-deprivation if your wallets low on fuel. Triples as campus deprecation if you attend the University of Oklahoma.
Use this whenever you're in a good mood to gloat, usually accompanied with a quick snap. Because who doesn't like gloating?
5. "I'm sorry what?" and "Yeah, I wanted to hear that again."
When you receive a compliment, it doesn't hurt hearing it for a second time. A great way to focus more on yourself.
6. "You didn't think this through, did you?"
Whenever your friend does something stupid (ESPECIALLY when they admit it), ask them this. Follow up with a very snide comment afterwards.
7. "There was a memo."
Whenever you're on the top of your game…and someone forget something very important, like lunch or a study session. You don't wait for anyone.
8. "I will sell this house today."
For stubborn perseverance.
9. Mr + Someone's full name + a replacement nickname
Remember those times when your grade school teachers used your full name in front of your entire class? Try recreating those times by being as ridiculous as possible, only sardonic. Corrupt it to the core. The longer, the better. For example:
Mr. Dave "I'm-so-lazy-I'm-just-going-to-leave-sweat-stains-on-the-goddamn-couch" Blanche Devereaux Johnson
10. "I'm not cleaning this up."
When your friend does something INCREDIBLY stupid, and you are in range of blame, conversation, grimace, and shenanigans, put your foot down. Say this, and walk away slowly. Follow by two bulging blinks.
11. "I am not your goddamn secretary."
A secretary is not a toy. You don't have to do everything a person asks of you. If they ask too much, bluntly say this in their face, and give two blinks.
12. "Fuck 2020."
No explanation needed here. Just accompany this with two middle fingers in the air, and you're good to go.