Ah, the holidays. The most wonderful time of the year, when all of your loved ones (and not so loved ones) are piled into one household. This can go one of two ways: incredible, or absolutely horrible to the point that you'd rather be anywhere than trapped in a house with THOSE people you're forced to call your relatives just because you have the same blood or something like that.
They may make you want to tear out your eyes, but they're your family and you have to love them (no one said you have to like them.) To help prepare you, here's a list of a few people that you'll be basically sharing a cell with for the next few hours.
1. The photographer.
Every. Single. Moment. Turned into a freaking photo-op. Will undoubtedly force you to take a million family photos, assuring you that they’ve all been terrible and THIS will be the last one for sure. And it never will be. And you will be trapped in a fixed hyper-reality of standing by that damned Christmas tree for all of eternity until you die or the perfect photo is finally captured, in which all of you have joined together as one collective being. Maybe it’ll make it onto the fridge.
2. The cleaner.
Probably the host. Clears the table before you’ve even finished eating, and is sure to have a trash bag ready to dispose of all the gift wrap (which sucks if you like to roll around in the pile of paper...No? Just me? You guys should try it. It’s great. It’s sort of like a ball pit, but not very good for jumping into unless you really like having bruised limbs)
3. The screaming child.
Whose child even is this? Does anyone in your family even have young kids? My family isn’t even that big. Why don’t I know who this is?It doesn’t matter if you like children or if you see them as the spawn of Satan. This kid is guaranteed to get on your nerves, and most likely nothing will be done about it. Seriously, where the hell did this thing come from?
4. The racist and or sexist.
Could be one person…or most of your family. Both are equally intolerable and will make you feel like burrowing deep into the depths of the earth because you’re so embarrassed even though no one is around to hear.
5. The perfume cloud.
Doesn’t matter if they’re a cool person. You’ll probably avoid them like the plague. You can try to hold your breath, but you’ll fail and then have to play off your violent coughing as a cold so as not to offend them.
6. The party pooper.
Sure, your family is dorky and awkward, but they’re your family. Like a good member of the family, you take part in all the wacky traditions and games without much of a complaint, but there’s always that one person who decides to s**t on everybody’s party fun by informing you that all of you are lame.
7. The phone head.
I vow to try not to be this person no matter how hard it may be. I will try really hard to not scroll through my Instagram feed (unless someone goes on a tangent I’d rather ignore). I will not text anyone during the entire party (unless I feel the need to b***h about said tangent). I will not make any Snapchat stories (because nothing will be interesting enough).
8. The show off.
Them: “LOOK AT THESE PICS OF MY NEW BAE! LOOK HOW HOT I WAS AT THE BEACH THIS YEAR! LOOK AT MY NEW CAR! LOOK AT ALL MY COOL TRAVEL PICS! I GRADUATED FROM BLAH BLAH SCHOOL WITH INCREDIBLE GRADES AND NOW I MAKE SOOOOOO MUCH MONEY! MY LIFE IS GREAT AND NOTHING HAS GONE WRONG EVER! So anyway how are you?
Me: Well...I got a haircut
9. The outsider.
You've never seen this person before in your life. Nobody knows who invited them. Did anyone invite them?...
10. The favorite.
Your family lets out one, big, collective “YAY” as this person enters the house. They probably live far away and go on all kinds of wild adventures that make your life sound super boring, which is why your family would much rather prefer to talk to them over you. They’re also probably the only family member to have gotten all the “good genes.”
11. Your favorite.
Probably much less interesting than everyone else’s favorite, which makes their life more relatable to your dull, pointless existence. The two of you will probably sit on the couch all night, watching as everything goes up in flames and the dynamic of your family temporarily crumbles with every political debate. You have the ability to make them laugh, which makes you feel cool.
12. The one who drinks too much.
Never mind. This will probably be me.
