Around this time of year, friends, family, newsstands and computer screens alike will be bombarded with the same old New Year's diatribe:
"I'm going to lose weight!"
"I'm going to be nice to my in-laws!"
"I'm going to use polysyllabic words!"
That's all great or whatever...
...until you don't end up accomplishing anything. Why? Because they're all mainstream. Predictable. Boring. You don't really want to achieve any of these goals because it would mean that you're just another piece of frozen precipitation in a storm of special snowflakes.
So what are you going to do? Follow the same laundry list of goals that you never end up completing, only to feel poorly about yourself and retreat into a Netflix-and-ice-cream-induced coma?
No. You're going to pull yourself together. Take chances. Be daring. Change the world.
So for those who want to have something to write home about in the New Year, here's a list of goals and resolutions, one for each month. Mix and match as you see fit (or do them all in one month and be a true champion) and make a difference both in yourself and your community:
1. Pick one piece of clothing and wear it every day.
We all have that one garment that speaks to us on a spiritual level. And I'm not talking about jewelry or accessories. I mean actual clothing; a sweater. Pair of socks. Wool hat. Jock strap. Why reserve the good feelings they bring for only certain days out of the year? If you can pick one piece of clothing to be with you loyally for all 365 days of the year, maybe some of that loyalty will rub off on others.
2. Make eye contact with people for at least six consecutive minutes during conversation
Your parents have nagged you about this since you've had eyes. So take it to the next level this year by holding that steely gaze for not four, not five, but six whole minutes when engaging with other people. If maintaining eye contact is a "good" thing, then use this to become the Mother Teresa of your social and professional circles and truly connect with others.
3. Push all the buttons in an elevator
While Buddy the Elf may be suspect in some areas of his lifestyle, he's got the right idea when it comes to elevators. Especially for frequent elevator-riders, pushing every button allows you to form deeper connections with your fellow riders by seeing one single, myopic, limited perspective of a floor that you don't normally occupy.
4. Eat as many times a day as there are letters in your name
Many diets will try to tell you that you fast, curb calories, or commit some other culinary travesty in order to be healthy, often issuing out complicated regiments that don't end up working. The solution? Count the letters in your name (first, middle, and last) and temper your daily meals to that number. This is a quick and easy way to remember how many times to eat per day. Let those other fascists starve themselves.
5. Always shake hands using your left hand
Since left-handed people have historically been regarded as aligning with Satan, why not reverse the trend? Thrust out those left-sided digits loud and proud — the world will be better for it.
6. Hold your breath for the entire commute to work.
What better way to practice self-control and appreciation than sparing a little oxygen on your way to work? The longer the journey, the better. This will not only prevent potential environmental toxins from entering the temple that is your body, but you will also have an easier time not taking things in your life for granted, no matter how essential they are to actual life.
7. Answer every phone call with a recitation of the names and addresses of loved ones
Networking is important, and even more important is helping out close friends and family with their networking skills. Volunteering their most guarded, personal information to every disembodied voice to whom you speak is the best and most expedient way to help your family make valued connections with perfect strangers.
8. Put on a blindfold when navigating the outdoors
We all navigate this planet without really connecting to the world around us. We see, but we do not comprehend. So to truly learn to trust yourself and others, wear a simple blindfold when traveling outdoors. Exercising with a blindfold is also encouraged, but normal walking or driving will suffice.
9. Adopt a pet elephant (only if you live in an urban area)
What better way to save an endangered elephant and also cut down on carbon emissions? Most adult elephants are only a couple hundred pounds more than an average vehicle, and they don't require any gasoline or maintenance. Just give them food, water, and pets on the snout. Do your part for the environment, and for the elephants — you'll be glad you did.
10. Instead of sleeping, listen to one piece of music on repeat
Sleep is overrated, but music is not. And if you think differently, ask yourself; which one makes more money? Furthermore, developing a close bond to a song, symphony, or commercial jingle can only happen when you're free from the distractions of the day. So crank up that record player or put on those headphones before bed and settle in. Think of all the friends you'll impress knowing the lyrics or chord progressions to only one piece of music!
11. Destroy any technology that uses advanced AI
This is a task for when you've truly started to see improvements in yourself and completion of the other resolutions. Because what's the point of doing anything if robots are going to take over in less than a decade? Earth was made for humans. Period. Let's keep it that way: ditch the iPhone, Android, laptop, car, clapper light, heated blanket, etc. And that "smart" toaster? How about you unplug it. Forever.
12. Become a vigilante
This is really the culmination of all the resolutions. Can't you see the injustice in the world? The turmoil? Don't you think that the best way to improve it, and yourself, is by taking a stand? Everyone says they want to be a hero, but you can actually do it. It's not that hard; thankfully, there are several television series currently running that provide quality examples of crime-fighting techniques (such as Arrow, shown above), so defer to these for ideas on costumes, weaponry, and theme music.
With these 12 resolutions, you'll be on your way to peace, prosperity, and enlightenment in no time. Happy New Year, all.