As a recently single woman after two years in a committed relationship, jumping back into the dating game has been more than entertaining to put it politely. I usually receive mixed reactions from people when I ask them about their experiences using dating apps and different dating sites. I've found that there is a spectrum, ranging from "I'm absolutely appalled by the concept of dating apps," to "Hell yeah! I go on dates from those all the time!"
For a long while, I found myself leaning favorably towards dating apps and such. After all, we reside in a very technology based society anyway, we might as well use it to our advantage?
Although my dating app experience hasn't been truly enthralling since I re-entered the bold, beautiful, and terrifying kingdom of single society, it has definitely slapped me in the face.
(I mean seriously, some of the things dudes say? Would you say that to your mother?! Didn't think so.)
So I've decided to compartmentalize and create a comprehensive list of the different types of weirdos people you meet on a dating app.
1. The Bio-Less Buddy
The bio has a purpose. Tell me about you, in 140 characters or less. Make it quippy, make it funny, make it raw and real. But please for the love of God don't just put your height and call it a day. Humor me here.
2. The Pizza
Seriously. You're not a piece of pizza. Find a picture of yourself, and stop exciting me because we both know a pizza could make me happier than you.
3. The Mystery Man
Every photo is a group photo. He could be the good looking one. He could not be that one. *Swipes left*
4. The Game-Changer
Has a beautifully constructed bio, features pictures of his puppy, his adorable niece, and looks like he has a nice job. Chats you and asks for a "pic." *sigh* They're all the same.
5. The Bumble-Bee
It seems like everytime you respond, he responds even quicker. Almost like he never closes out of the app.
6. The Odd-Ball
His bio is choppy. His pictures might be a little off, but hey, you're 4 two dollar margaritas deep and you swipe right because you're ~adventurous~ (Update: Bad idea.)
7. The Conversationalist
*actual words from a conversation*
Me: Hey! How's it going?
Him: You should come over.
8. The Conversationalist pt. 2
*There's a bit of light banter, a casual exchange of words, things could be going somewhere*
Me: So, up to anything interesting today?
Him: You should send me a pic of your t*ts.
9. The Picture-Professional
...Aannndd let's just add that photo to a list of things that have scarred me mentally.
10. The Broken-Finger Guy
If you have a vocabulary that only includes things like "haha," "yeah," "lol," or any other one syllable abbreviation I simply have to deduce that you broke your fingers while furiously typing an intricate and fascinating response to me. Tragic, really.
11. The Ghost
You might've talked for a few days, you might've just sent one message to him. But suddenly out of thin air he vanishes and never responds ever again. For fun I like to imagine what that would be like in real life.
12. The Keeper
In the event that hell freezes over and the stars align perfectly to bring you and some mysterious web dweller together in perfect harmony, you might find someone worth having a conversation with. In which case, Godspeed on that wedding proposal because it's a true miracle.
All accounts of dating in this post are purely satirical and the data was collected using a very limiting method of "I'm bored let's swipe around on Bumble or some other half-assed app" and these reports are in no way scientific. I know countless people who have met their charming and perfect significant others on a dating website and I fully condone the usage of said sites in order to date. But I haven't gotten to those yet, stay tuned for another article when I do.
