Ah, Snapchat. Otherwise known as the yellow app with the lil' white ghost on it.
So pure. So innocent looking. What could be wrong with the exchanging of photos between friends and acquaintances? Little did we know what it could be capable of. Little did we know what it would do.
1. Streaks
Streaks may be one of the most stressful things about my life (which says a lot about me, I think.)
There is nothing more emotionally and mentally trying than when you have a 175 day streak with someone and you are somewhere with limited cell service and the time is ticking and if you don't respond soon all of that hard work will be lost.
You've already tried climbing on top of several tall things, and you went and stood outside and held your phone up into the air like Rafiki holds Simba in "The Lion King," and still have no service. What's most annoying is the fact that it is of literally no importance in the real world and yet you still care way too much about it.
2. Replays
You send someone what could be considered a potentially embarrassing snap. You see that they opened it. Then ... you get the notification that they replayed it.
You think to yourself, "Why are they doing that? Why did they need to see it again? Could they just not hear what I said? Maybe they didn't get a chance to read the caption? Or maybe they're showing everyone they're with. I bet everyone's laughing at me. I'll never live this down." Next thing you know, you're on the ground in a ball.
3. Drawing With the Pencil Tool
There is a specific kind of anger that accompanies trying to draw with the little crayon tool on Snapchat.
Sometimes, you have these ambitious visions and want to try to add some light shading, or perhaps you want to include some detailing, but the thickness of the pen stroke is too heavy for your delicate work of art.
So you try doing your best with the tools you have and then ... it happens. You accidentally click the "x" button and erase your whole masterpiece. The tears come.
4. Stories
You're having a casual day with your mom or you're at a restaurant with your best friend, and suddenly you find yourself pulling your phone out and taking a picture of food or filming a video of your friend where you slowly zoom into their face while they're eating.
And what do you do with this seemingly unimportant information? You put it on your story. Why?
Who knows. It's not like anyone cares that you and Jenny went to Chipotle again. There are literally zero people that care. You don't even really care that much.
But, for whatever reason, you do it anyways. It cannot be helped. And then you have the audacity to complain about other people's stories.
You find yourself saying, "Wow Christine, no one gives a flying fart that you went to the gym today," upon seeing Christine's story.
It is this weird cycle of wanting people to know what you are doing and wanting to know what other people are doing without having to ask them or virtually talk to anyone. It is madness.
5. Discover Circles
You know what I'm talking about. It's those dumb circles for companies like "Cosmopolitan" and "MTV" that just one day kind of showed up on Snapchat.
Why are they there? Who knows. When you first saw them, you thought, "Wow, that's stupid. I will never ever look at those."
And then one day, when you have many other pressing tasks that are demanding your attention, you find yourself on Snapchat and suddenly you're reading an article called "10 Reasons Men Suck at Taking Your Picture."
How did you get here? Unclear. Why are you here? You have no idea. But you're here, reading an article on an app that is supposed to be for the sending and receiving of pictures.
6. Add Nearby Friends
Someone named "MrSweetLips" adds you from within a mile of your home.
The only neighbors you have are 80-year-old Gladys, who has a pet corgi named Prince Henry, and a 45-year-old single man named Paulie with a beer belly and a collection of vintage pinball machines. So it's obviously Gladys who added you.
7. New Filters
"Oh, hey! What do you think I would look like if I had the facial features of a cartoon dog? Or what if my eyes were oversized and watery and rainbows came out of my mouth? What if I could swap faces with the Mona Lisa? Or what if my face was a strawberry?"
8. Screenshots
About an hour ago, you sent a snap to someone. Nothing fancy, pretty standard: the usual double chin, tongue out, poor lighting, probably still in your bed. Why would you assume this unflattering position?
Because you thought that you could trust them. Suddenly, your phone goes off and you see that they took a screenshot. Your heart drops. You start to perspire. Your mind goes blank. Is nothing sacred?
9. Live Stories
It's not that I don't want to watch an hour long story called "Full Moon Party!" No, wait. It is. I do not want to do that. Sorry, moon.
10. Snaps from Team Snapchat
Your phone is across the room and you here it vibrate. You think that maybe it is a friend that you snapped a few hours ago finally responding, or that bae is on his way over and was snapping you from the car.
You frolic across the room and you see the name "teamsnapchat" on your lock screen. You are immediately filled with crippling disappointment.
You thought that, for a moment, maybe you had one friend. How embarrassing.
11. Snapcash
I genuinely don't understand why people think this is a secure idea. What if one of your friends had your phone and was sending selfies to people and was like "Oh, hey, here, let me send myself a million dollars."
Because that is obviously a realistic amount. The reason that this ruins my life is that I am very worried about everyone else's monetary safety. Please make good choices.
