Content warning: Domestic violence, sexual assault, depression.
Domestic violence is not prone to any gender, sexuality, race, sexual orientation or class.
Domestic violence is defined as any violent behavior by a spouse or loved one that can be emotional, physical or sexual. We more often than not hear about women being the prime victims, or survivors, of this kind of violence with the perpetrator being a man. I hate to break it to you, but domestic violence can happen to any kind of couple: male and male, female and female, female abusing a man, non-binary and cis, non-binary and non-binary. This can be anyone, and is.
1. A partner wonders where you are 24/7.
People who engage in violence activity within relationships want power. They want to know everything possible that is going on. They will ask how long you're going to be out, when you're coming home, restricts your time out, or says "no" to you going out.
2. A partner tells you who you can, and cannot, see.
Perpetrators want to be the only person their "loved one" sees, engages with, hang out, text, call, or in general have a social life. They're forced to cut any connections the people they are close to ending up that they lose the friends they had for years and years.
3. There is no separation in finances.
In this case, the couple have their incomes into one account under only one person controlling it; the abuser. The abuser is able to see where all the money goes, how much they are allowed to use for groceries, bills, or any "extra" luxury, and if money is used that was not approved, the abuser will always want to know why. They will restrict their partner in order to disconnect them with the outside world. There are no secrets.
4. A partner makes degrading comments about your appearance.
"Are you sure you want to eat that dessert? It's not going to end well for your figure."
"You should maybe lose a few pounds, you might be prettier then."
"Eh. I don't want to have sex with you after learning you went up a pants size."
These are ridiculous, disrespectful, and horrible comments to make to someone. People say phrases like this to their partners all the time. The abuser wants to have their partner be exactly how they (the abuser) wants them to be. The abusers ideal partner. Since the one being abused wants to keep their relationship, well, they will change them self in order to please their partner.
5. A partner undermines your thought process and capabilities.
6. A partner makes you feel guilty.
7. You feel like you can't leave the relationship.
You have been forced to cut all ties to the people you love, you might not have any money, no where to go, no one to turn to. Being with someone with some sort of security sounds better than being alone.
8. There is no respect or concept of the word, "No."
If there is no present, "Yes," when engaging in sexual activity, simple finance decisions, going out, or wanting to do anything, someone should respect your decision of "No." You have every right to say yes and no to whatever you want to do. When someone takes that choice away from you, you've inevitably lost all power possible. And that is absolutely not right.
9. There is leave a trail of invisible scars.
10. A partner tries to repay acts of violence with gifts, favors, and temporary kindness.
You can't cover up or deny violence with being nice when you, the abuser, want to. Emotional thoughts, bruises, and convincing someone into sexual activity cannot be forgiven with flowers, rings, money, or their favorite thing. Abuse can never be forgiven with materialistic items.
11. A partner makes you feel worthless, trapped, and scared.
When you're changing yourself for someone else's happiness and satisfaction, you're bound to lose the person you once were for all of the wrong reasons. A relationship should never make someone change for their partner, a couple is supposed to change only to better themselves individually.
Domestic violence comes in all shapes and sizes. None of it is OK. Ever. You are not alone. And most importantly, it is never your fault no matter how many times someone might say it is.
