I do not consider myself a philosopher. I haven't even taken an Introductory course in philosophy. None of this means I'm not capable of some unsettling thoughts right before I fall asleep. We've all been there. You're so close to falling asleep and BAM suddenly you've got a new earth-shattering theory on why otters hold hands while they're asleep.

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, I've made a list of some of the thoughts that keep me up at night. (Yes, I am one of those people that has weird dreams. And yes, I am one of those people who talks about their weird dreams.)

1. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Was it unsliced bread? Or was it something completely unrelated to bread and how can bread even accurately be compared to the thing before it? Why are we comparing great things to sliced bread? How many pieces of sliced bread does the average human eat in a year?

2. If a river is constantly changing, does it have a problem with commitment? How different would life be if water was capable of consciousness? Water would probably hate humans. Well, most inanimate objects would hate humans?

3. A match is an object we strike to produce flames. Does this mean our perfect match is someone we are willing to strike at our own hearts for, hoping we’ll find the warmth we long for? That's way too cheesy. Is it vegan to say something is "too cheesy"?

4. Has the ballet industry realized they could make some real cash by selling “On Pointe” shirts? Do these shirts exist already? Probably. Am I going to take the time to find out? Definitely not. Maybe I shouldn’t have quit ballet when I was eight, just so I could purchase that shirt.

5. Dear Disney, please make a princess movie where the princess has a urinary tract infection. Name her Penelopee. That would be so tragically unforgettable.

6. Sometimes I wish people wouldn’t say “Goodbye!” to me. What if I want to hear a “greatbye” to confirm how happy that person is to be rid of me? Or maybe they had a particularly good time so they whisper a “solemnbye”? Why am I like this?

7. Is it possible to faint while asleep?


8. I really want rice right now. Would rice mixed with granola and bananas be a new food combination or am I uselessly unoriginal? Is someone thinking the same exact sentence as me right now somewhere in the world? Hey pal, what’s up? Not much, you? You’re so funny, I knew we had a strong connection from the moment we thought the same thing.

9. Do I really have to pee or is my brain trying to sabotage my sleeping patterns?

10. It’s so completely typical of humans to assume aliens look even vaguely similar to us. They’re probably floating puffs of material we’ve never seen before (like cheese puffs without the styrofoam texture). Or maybe Earth is a simulation and the aliens are controlling how we perceive everything. How clever of them to make the game Sims in order to throw us off their trail. I'm on to you, Aliens.

11. If I can conceptualize a dragon in my head, does that make it real? The thought of the dragon is real, but how many brains does it take before the dragon becomes something slightly more significant than a thought?