Because he's just gone public with his girlfriend, and now we're all officially out of the running forever and ever the end. #fml

Shortly after putting my heart and soul into an article that so eloquently expressed my love for Ginger Jesus, a photo of his (notably pale) self and his girlfriend was posted on her Instagram. And now we're all screwed. 

1. Her name is Athina Andrelos, which gives her

a) points for alliteration, and 

b) points for an uber cool first name, despite the unusual spelling, and 

c) put some Windex on it 

Author's Note: I myself have a weird first name if that counts for anything. Just sayin'.

2. She likes food so much that she's made it a part of her career. Athina works for THE Jamie Oliver and posts photos of the delicious food HE HIMSELF HAS COOKED FOR HER all the time. Because dating Ed wasn't enough, clearly.

Author's Note: I myself have an addiction to good food and a website dedicated to my eating adventures (tastingwithtansu.com) as does she (athinalovesfood.tumblr.com)

3. She actually appears to be a ton of fun and absolutely hilarious. She posts videos of her lip synching with grills on, dancing around like a maniac in public, and attending 1D concerts. So SHE ISN'T EVEN BASIC AND WE CAN'T EVEN HATE HER. 

Author's Note: I myself have been known to crack jokes once in a while and may or may not be a closeted 1D fan.

4. She's gorgeous. Even got away with one of those make-up free selfies. You know, the kind that 1 in 19547389753895 people can get away with? 

Author's Note: ...none. Cannot compete. 

5. She's Greek, so to a purebred Brit like Ed I'm sure that's seen as "exotic."

Author's Note: I myself am an Indian and have been called "exotic" until I've opened my mouth, and people hear my American accent. But still. 

6. Although she's Greek she's probably a Brit-born Greek so she and Ed have their accents and general culture in common

Author's Note: I spent the first six years of my life in England so that counts for something... right?

7. She actually talks to Ed's fans on Instagram saying things like "Ed should bring you with him on our next vaca!"

Author's Note: ...none. Cannot compete. 

8. She likes dogs. It says so in her bio. So it's fact. 

Author's Note: I myself love dogs. Mostly my own.

9. She has an obsession with Beyoncé. Every other photo is a pic of the Queen or Athina herself at one of Bey's concerts.

Author's Note: I myself happen to be attending Bey and Jay's concert in Pasadena tonight. #OnTheRunTour

10. She has a photo of the Swedish chocolate "Daim" which virtually no one knows about, but I happen to be OBSESSED with and pay $12 for every time I go to Ikea. So she's EVEN CHOCOLATE SAVVY.

Author's Note: I myself love Daim. I love Daim. Did I not make it clear above? Because I really, really love Daim. 

11. She isn't afraid to make fun of herself. She has a "leave Justin alone" parody video posted on her Insta with noooo regrets.

Author's Note: I myself am single for a reason. I post some strange stuff on Insta just for the lulz because might as well. 

All in all she is an upgraded version of me so RIP Tansu Sheeran (but long live this relationship because they just may be my favorite couple in all the universe)

Let's be real, when I'm in Greece this fall and London this Christmas, I'll be much more pumped to run into this lovely and lucky lady than lil' ole' Ed. Sorry, bud.