By Dave “Hannibal” Bodack Hearst

You, treasured Odyssey patron, dearest consumer of this online treasure trove of knowledge and observations, are my greatest priority. As a writer for Odyssey, I take my duty of providing you with the information you need to live your life to the absolute fullest extremely seriously. It is this concern that drives me, like a father urging his son not to touch that cactus, to caution you about certain content you may find on this blessed website that isn’t fit for your bright, juicy, impressionable little mind. That’s right, I’m talking about the listicle. Here are 11 reasons why you, succulent reader, ought to avoid them at all costs:

1. Pointless Intro

Listicles always seem to need to preface their lists with an extremely basic or useless introduction of their topic before they get into the nitty gritty. Yes, we already know that Pixar has made significant contributions to the genre of children’s movies and cinema at large, you don’t need to tell us that before ranking their movies! It’s just even more time from our miserable lives that we’re never going to get back. Thanks a lot.

2. Atrocious Abbreviation

Just the name “listicle” is enough to make any right-minded person squirm in their shoes. It’s a cold, calculated, and cruelly effective portmanteau of the words “list” and “article”, and the fact that those two words, which are extremely valid descriptions of listicles, go together so well is a disgrace to the literary community at large. What’s next, referring to Britain’s departure from the European Union as something like, I don’t know, ukexit? Don’t let the man oppress you with its imaginary combined terms! Wake up sheeple!

3. Pointless Explanations

Let’s not pretend that those unfortunate souls who willingly read listicles care very much for the in-depth details on each item in the list. The elaboration of each point made by listing the item only wastes more of the reader’s time and sucks their soul further into an impenetrable vortex of misery. If the authors of these horrid list-oriented articles had any decency at all, they would completely eliminate their dull, trivial explanations, or at least limit them to one or two sentences. But no, these authors always just seem to want to drone on, and on, and on, and on about things nobody cares about! It’s like, c’mon man, make your point and move on to the next item! How much is there that you can really say about this anyway?! You’re making a big deal out of nothing! You’re pouring your heart and soul into a dumb list that nobody’s ever going to look at, and what will you ever have to show for your work? A lifetime of regret and disappointment over the fact that the greatest contribution you ever made to mankind was writing way more about a single entry in a list than anyone needed to know or cared about at all. So just move on already!!!

4. ADD Training

Listicles’ encouragement of simply recognizing and swallowing as many bite-sized pieces of information as possible in a short amount of time, without meaningfully analyzing the content’s relevance to one’s self and the world at large, is detestable. True literature should not get its point across to those who scan through it as quickly as humanly possible to achieve a flicker of happiness before their grin fades and guilt over the toes still left in the freezer regains possession of their soul.

5. Lazy Authors

The existence of listicles in the first place is entirely due to authors that deem it a suitable method of copping out of taking the time to write a complete article. They may tell themselves that they have a good reason for taking this shortcut, such as their trip the next day to visit friends in Massachusetts and the need to pack for that the evening before, but any such excuse only adds to the destruction of the literary spirit which is only increasing in modern times due to listicles’ existence.

6. Lack of Figurative Language

As any high school or college English teacher knows, works of literature must only be judged on their symbolism and use of metaphors, and never by any other merit such as entertainment, interest, or sentimentality. By this standard, listicles rank at the very bottom of all forms of literature for their aim of entertaining the reader and not making them rack their brains to figure out what on God’s green earth the author could mean in that one spot.

7. ‘90s Nostalgia

An exhaustive study undertook earlier this year by researchers at Miskatonic University has shown that 87% of all listicles ever written feature prominent aspects of pop culture in the ‘90s and why everyone misses them so much. This disproportionate number goes to show how becoming a voracious consumer of this detestable form of literature will only teach you how Rocko’s Modern Life was the best show ever and no band will ever fill the void that the Backstreet Boys left in the delectable heart of America.

8. Sensationalist Tactics

There’s a reason that all authors inducted into the Nation of Listicles, much like the Nation of Islam, adopt the surname Hearst in honor of His Yellowness William Randolph. There’s no form of conveying information that is more prone to the complete abandon of practical, factual, meaningful information in favor of brightly packaged sludge that keeps the masses at bay. Fox News couldn’t be more sensational than any listicle even if they reported that Barack Obama flew a plane into the Freedom Tower after swearing allegiance to the Islamic State. And of all the methods used by listicles to draw attention to themselves, there’s none worse than…

9. False Promises

How many times have you seen a listicle, been enticed by its assurance that a certain entry on the list will completely astound you, and then wanted to eat someone out of frustration after seeing that that entry was not shocking in the slightest? Heaven knows that’s happened too many times to me! At least before I caught on to listicles’ wicked ways. It’s the oldest trick in the book, and one of the most effective, and I urge you to never fall for any such slanderous lies again.

10. Cannibalism Suspicions

Speaking of slanderous, a little-known but scientifically documented fact about the authors of listicles is that not only are they all members of the putrid organization known as the Nation of Listicles, but they’re all cannibals. That’s right, cannibals. One can often find revealing traces of a listicle author’s true feelings about human flesh by closely examining their writing. No listicle is without the occasional use of adjectives usually reserved for cuisine to describe miscellaneous parts of the human body, or even the reader. On occasion, the author of a listicle will inadvertently admit to deeds such as the consumption of human flesh because of emotions such as rage, or the process they use to store their specially procured meat such as refrigeration. When all’s said and done, these people are dangerous and they, and their publications, should be avoided at all costs.

11. No Rewarding Conclusion

You know what’s one of the greatest experience in the world? Getting to the end of an article and having the topic in question summarized beautifully to facilitate maximum understanding of the article’s message before the final words leave you with a wonderful taste in your mouth and heartfelt appreciation for the author’s work. Too bad that doesn’t happen with listicles! The final phrase of any listicle is simply another part in its utterly meaningless pursuit, succeeded by advertisements for even more listicles designed to placate the inquisitive and brutally murder all the curious cats out there. There’s no opportunity to breathe or reflect before the reader is bombarded with vendors seeking their captive’s attention. It’s almost as if the author, without a care in the world towards the reader’s satisfaction, just stopped writi