Finals are over and you've packed every sweater you own into an oversized suitcase and hopped in your car or boarded a plane to return home. If you haven't been home in a while you get that weird feeling that you never really left as you drive by your high school, your best friend's house, and that gas station you and your friends spent way too much time hanging out at. And when you enter the door, throw your suitcase down, and are smothered in bear hugs by your family, you feel yourself inwardly bracing yourself against the coming onslaught of questions your parents are about to bombard you with, with love, of course.
1. How did finals go? What grades did you get?
Horrible, Mom, can you not see the pure exhaustion written all over my face? No, I don't know my grades because my professors will take about a year to get them back to me and a part of me really doesn't want to know.
2. Are you eating enough?
This is quickly followed by, "What can I make you?" It doesn't matter if you've gained fifteen pounds since your family last saw you, they will still wonder if you know how to feed yourself.
3. Are you exercising?
I have an app on my phone for that.
4. How is _________?
I am always astonished by a parent's ability to remember every single name you've ever mentioned to them and details you don't remember including. "How was Sarah's doctor's appointment? How's her internship search going?" And then they proceed to do this with every name they know.
5. Have you decided what you are going to do this summer?
I have literally not thought about anything besides sleeping in my bed, watching Netflix, and playing with my dog for the next month.
6. What are your plans after graduation?
HAHAHAHAHA good one, Dad.
7. What are ________'s plans after graduation?
This one is tricky; you want to make your friend sound good to your parents but not like she has a million plans and you are way behind on the whole planning the rest of your life thing.
8. Have your talked to *insert high school ex's name here* lately?
This is normally followed by I saw their mom at the grocery store and other day and we had a great chat about the two of you. No, I have not talked to my high school ex lately, I have some self-respect and hopefully better taste.
9. Have you considered changing your major to something more practical?
It doesn't matter how far into your major you are and they will still ask this question. No, I am perfectly happy with my liberal arts degree and it's a little late for me to go pre-med now don't you think?
10. Where did all your money go?
If your parents can still see your main bank account that means they can see how much of your money goes toward your online shopping addiction, alcohol, and Panera.
11. Are you seeing anyone?
This is a dangerous question. If you are seeing someone be prepared to share their resume, social security number, your most recent photo of them, and the name of their favorite pet. And if you aren't, watch as your parents adopt a pitying tone and wonder why someone as great as you is alone. I'm not sure which is worse.
These are just the questions they ask on your first night home so be prepared to answer many more and endure some repeats as the rest of your family travels home for the holidays. But as much as you hate answering them, do it, because your parents love you and they can't help wanting to know everything about you and every acquaintance you have.
