We've all been there before: you're frantically clicking on Minesweeper squares, trying to shave milliseconds off of your personal record, but you just keep clicking bomb after bomb, feeling like you're sitting in a knockoff of a Michael Bay knockoff movie. You think to yourself, "oh yeah, I have no clue what I'm doing, so I should probably give up and go be productive." But don't give up on achieving your dream of setting one of the most arbitrary records of your life, because I, Garrett "I can't believe they took Minesweeper off the default programs of Windows" Mitchell, am going to help you become a Minesweeper understander-er by teaching you the 11 most important squares in all of Minesweeper.

1. BLANK.

Have you ever been at Grandma's house eating homemade cookies and drinking milk while your favorite cartoon plays on the 21-inch TV that crackles softly with a thin film of static, and all the while grandma is sitting in her chair reading a book, occasionally looking up and smiling contently as her darling grandchild enjoys his or her carefree years? That's what the blank square is, an asylum from the harsh realities that lies beyond its boundaries. No mines adjacent to it.

2. The square with a "1" on it.

I was walking by the baseball field the other day, and there was a guy practicing in the batting cage. As he swung with all his might at each ball, electrifying the air around us with a swift crack, I remained at peace knowing a squadron of linked steel would protect me from any potential harm from a stray ball flying my way. Then I thought, "I wonder what the chances are that fence would break and a ball would hit me anyway." And that irrational fear represents the 1 square. There's only 1 mine adjacent to that square. It's not a big deal, calm down.

3. The square that has "2" inscribed on it.

Well then the whole tone of the article you were writing changed suddenly and it made you a little uncomfortable and slightly confused. I can't randomly think of anything better to describe the 2 square. Two mines adjacent to this son of a gun.

4. Sometimes the square has a 3 on it, and that's the "3" square.

Pops didn't really like Comcast that much. I can't really remember a time he particularly enjoyed the service now that I think about it. Most days he could handle a quick TV or Internet outage, but that one fateful day he must have forgotten he knew what a "temper" was. He picked up the phone and began the wild goose chase that is having a pleasant conversation with Comcast's customer service. Hiding in my room while Pops foamed at the mouth perfectly describes the 3 square. I'm sure nothing bad will happen, but there's still the off chance I could feel some of the wrath. You're looking at 3 mines adjacent to this square.

5. 4.

Oh boy, it's the first day of junior high, and everyone knows this is where real life is. You don't really want to get out of the car and deal with your toughest days, but Mom has to go to work so you get out anyway. Feel that pit in your stomach? That's a 4 square. Adjacent to this one is 4 mines.

6. The square that looks like an "S" square, but then you realize that all the squares in Minesweeper use numbers instead of letters, and then you feel a little dumb for thinking that was an "S," but then you realize that you haven't actually had to look at that square before and that's why you weren't sure if it was an "S" or a "5" and now it's kinda scaring you a little bit: the "5" square.

Five adjacent mines. Pretty spooky.

7. A flag.

I know what you're thinking: "Oh good, we're taking a break from all these numbers. I'm pretty confident that the whole number thing is over and that Garrett 'I can't believe they took Minesweeper off the default programs of Windows like seriously it can't be that big of a hassle to keep it bundled with the OS' Mitchell is probably going to stop talking about numbers now." That confidence is just like placing a flag in Minesweeper! Flag means that's where you think there's a mine, so show that confidence off and place some flags down!

8. That's a "6" square you got there.

So yeah, that confidence I told you you just had? Well that's all out the window now. You're deflated now, and things are starting to look a little hopeless, because I've still got plenty of numbers to get through. The 6 square is thriving off of your despair. Oh by the way, you're deflated because there are 6 mines adjacent to the 6 square, and that's like 75 percent of all adjacent squares. Majority rules, nerd.

9. "That 1995 film with Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt" square.

Remember Grandma's house from the second item on the list? Well now instead of watching cartoons, it's the presidential debates, and instead of your grandma contently reading a book, she's crying because whoever wins that election is going to run the country into the ground. Now you feel incredibly unsafe because some bad, bad man or woman is going to be the president, but at least you still have the milk and cookies because I didn't take those away from you since I'm a benevolent ruler in this fantasy. That's the 7 square. Not all bad (that's where the milk and cookies come in), but 7 mines adjacent to this square still makes you feel defeated.

10. "Upright infinity" square

Ever heard of bringing a knife to a gun fight? Well the 8 square brings a gun to a knife fight. He even gets one of his friends to swap out your knife with a butter knife when you're not looking, and then once the fight starts another one of his friends starts throwing rocks at you. You'll never win that fight. Eight square always wins. All 8 adjacent squares have mines. You're surrounded. Just give up. It's all ogre now.

11. Mine

[Click.] [Boom.]
[Don't click.] [No boom.]

I suggest the second option.

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Well there's my in-depth guide to Minesweeper! Now you too can spend about 10 minutes playing Minesweeper while you wait for the caf to open up for lunch because serving us food while it's hot at 10:50 instead of serving it warm at 11:00 is just way too absurd, only now you have a chance at winning!