Ah, Halloween. That wonderful day of the year when our younger selves (and creepy old men) decide that we’re going to uphold an ancient Celtic tradition by putting on costumes and masks and receiving candy from strangers. It's my favorite holiday, so I decided to rank the worst Halloween candies or “treats” that all of the strange people in your neighborhood tried to put in your basket on All Hallows’ Eve.
10. Popcorn
Yes, popcorn is a delicious and nutritious snack, but when you hand out the teeny-tiny individual bags of kettle corn or unbuttered terribleness, that’s when no one eats it forever. It just sits in your cupboard and does nothing.
9. Pretzels
Sweet and tasty or sour and juicy is what I want on Halloween, not salty and dry. If I wanted salty and dry, I would have lunch in my high school cafeteria. Thanks, but no on the pretzels.
8. Almond Joys
Does anybody actually enjoy this overpowering, coconut candy or is it just a cheap option for really terrible people to give unassuming children? They tried to make it tasty with the chocolate coating, but it really is just coconut pretending to be candy.
7. Bit-O-Honey
What even are these, you ask? They’re honey-flavored toffees with almond bits mixed in, and their wrapping looks deceptively like Tootsie Rolls. People may want sweet, but not that kind of sweet. That’s much too saccharine for one person.
6. Apples
Halloween candy is supposed to be cardiac-arrest-inducing. I need a doctor to stay by my side, I don’t want to keep the doctor away. Don’t give me apples, especially since there are terrifying people in the world who think it’s fun to put razors in the apples they give out. Apples cause trust issues.
5. Anything Unwrapped From A Larger Bag
Back to the razors and sharp things in candy that cause trust issues. Also, this is just a really unsanitary thing to do, especially when it’s a bunch of small children sticking their grubby little hands into a communal bowl of candy.
4. Funyuns
No. Just don’t do this to your neighborhood. Why would anyone want to receive Funyuns instead of candy? And wouldn’t individual-sized bags of Funyuns cost more than a large bag of fun-sized candy? Giving children Funyuns just doesn’t make any sense. Please don’t do it.
3. Dots
I’m pretty sure there’s still one stuck in the backs of my teeth from Halloween when I was six, ok? You can’t get rid of these inedible, indigestible specks of nothing, and they’re just terrible.
2. Dried Fruit Slices
Yes, dried fruit slices can be delicious (there are many exceptions), but once again, we return to the apple problem; unhealthiness is the battle-cry of Halloween night, and it’s the reason that the tradition of going trick-or-treating still exists. If people routinely gave out dried fruit slices, the tradition would also dry up.
1. Raisins
They’re just old, withered-up grapes. Do people give them out because raisins remind them of their hopes and dreams, or…?
Please save your neighborhood children this Halloween holiday and give them decent candy! As Marie Antionette once allegedly said, “Let them eat cake!”. Let them have their one special night a year to get dressed up and eat wonderful sugary goodness from strangers.
