In this new day and age of division and offense, I thought it would be a great idea to make a list of things that we all have in common so we can all see that deep down, like really deep down, we are the same no matter what our skin color or our religion is. Everyone can see we are just humans! Also, literally everyone can relate to this list and, therefore, share it! Not to mention, I have like eight finals and need to get a bunch of work done, so I’ll just pound this one out really quick since it’s simple and easy. Share with your friends!
1. You Breathe
Look at that! You can breathe! Your lungs can take in oxygen, put it in red blood cells, and use that blood to power biological reactions that allow you to exist. Go you! That’s like, so hard. It’s so hard, I had to read about it on Google and then Khan Academy, and I still didn’t get it.
2. You Form Coherent Thoughts
You can think in logical, rational streams. You can connect information in a rational realistic way and use that information to solve problems. Jeez, look out Albert Einstein. Rocks can’t do that. CNN presenters and Republican presidential nominees can’t do that. Way too go! Pat yourself on the back.
3. You Can Perform Autonomous Actions
You can do whatever you want. Well, not whatever. That’d be like anarchy and that’d be really bad. But, you can do whatever a bunch of old white men said you could do, so that’s still nice. In some countries, it’s old Chinese people or old Indian people dictating the rules, which is arguably the same…not really sure where I was going with this one.
4. You Eat Food
Yum yum yum. Food! Who doesn’t love food? Despite lingerie models and Michelle Obama, everyone loves food! Because you literally have to like it. If you didn’t, you would literally die. Seriously. Don’t try me on that one.
5. You Drink Water
Water! It’s the stream of life, well, so long as a private corporation doesn’t own the rights and dump a bunch of horrible toxic chemicals that will cause your hair and teeth to fall out. But, hey, this is America. That totally doesn’t happen.
6. You Like Pixar Films
Honestly, was there anyone that didn’t cry at the end of "WALL-E"? I didn’t think so. No mortal person can even begin to resist the emotional appeal that random things can have when they are imbued with personified emotions and feelings like a real person!
7. You Go To The Bathroom
Everyone goes to the bathroom. Well, that’s unless your kidneys have failed, and you can’t afford a transplant on your insurance, which leaves you on dialysis, so you permanently are dependent on machines and doctors to basically run the rest of your life.
8. You Think Greg Kinnear is a saint
Remember that guy from "As Good As It Gets"? No? Well, you should take a look because I’ve never met a person that didn’t like Greg Kinnear. In fact, it’s a scientifically proven fact that the presence of Greg Kinnear reduces cancer risks by nearly 30 percent. You don’t believe me? Well, whatever. I don’t need to prove myself to you, Mr. Douchey Commentor. Get out of here why don’t you! Go on. Get!
9. Chili’s BabyBack Ribs are amazing.
This isn’t an actual way to determine whether or not you’re a living person. It’s just sponsored content. How insidious, you might think. Advertisements and businesses slowly creeping into the content they sponsor possibly destroying their relationship with views. But, you know what is more insidious? All the different BBQ sauces you can get on any number or size of ribs at Chili’s!
10. Your Heart Beats
This one seems a little simple, you say. But it’s true! Name one real living person that doesn’t have their heart beating. There. I didn’t think so, Mr. Naysayer. However, a lot of people don’t get lucky enough to have their heart beating for very long because someone didn’t realize that the other person was just as scared and angry at they are at the injustice of life. Maybe if more people learned to relax and not be so angry all the time, a lot more hearts would be beating today.
