Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year. Not only do you get to eat as much stuffing as you want, but you also get to spend some quality time with your family. However, this can be problematic when they start questioning you about how your life is going, asking offensively intrusive things like, What's your major? Have you looked into internships yet? What's your social security number? Do you love this sh*t? Are you high right now? Do you ever get nervous? It can all get to be a little much. Which is why it is necessary to have several plans of escape before your family's Thanksgiving, just to be on the safe side.
1. Just keep eating.
This is a classic tactic, one that has shown significant success rates in past years. No one is going to expect you to answer life questions when you have a whole turkey, two rolls, and eight forkfuls of mashed potatoes in your mouth. Effective, yet crafty.
2. Pretend you're asleep.
Just fall face first into the cranberry sauce any time someone directs the word "job" at you from across the table. A word of caution, though: this is only successful the first time. No one will believe you fell asleep at the table more than once. To avoid even more questions concerning your health, choose your moment wisely.
3. Be the one to ask everyone else questions.
What are you planning to do after graduation, Grandma?
4. Set the table on fire.
This one is tricky, as you probably guessed. The goal is to create a fire big enough to distract from your personal issues but small enough that you don't ruin Thanksgiving for everyone in your family forever. There is a fine line.
5. Sit at the kids table.
Your younger cousin doesn't want to know about internships or your GPA. He just wants to eat and chill like a civilized human being.
6. Hold up a picture of Nicholas Cage every time someone tries to ask you something.
They'll either just turn away or they'll be so distracted that they won't remember what it was that they were going to ask. This tactic is almost a guaranteed way out -- 90 percent success rate.
7. Suggest everyone play the quiet game.
An old family favorite. For best results, add in something about how you want to take this moment to just enjoy the food and Uncle Steve's white New Balances.
8. Respond to all questions with a Jaden Smith tweet.
Perfect because no one will know what to say. This is the quickest way to get everyone to stop talking to you immediately.
9. Run away.
Toss some aluminum foil on your plate and get out of there. This is a tactic that is only to be used in extreme circumstances. You'll know if you need to use it.
10. If all else fails, just keep drankin.
The solution to almost anything. Ron Swanson said it best.
