I don't want to say all Italians are the same, or that every single one of these will apply to every single Italian you ever meet. This is just supposed to be a fun little list to bring to light a few things you should know about the Italians you care for in your life. Every single one of them. Fiiiine, not all of them. Maybe.
Side note: this is about real Italians and Italian-Americans, not the fake, horrid representation associated with "Jersey Shore" types.
1. Food is Love
There's really no other way to put it. It's as simple as it sounds. If you go to an Italian household and you aren't immediately offered something to eat and drink...well my immediate assumption is that no one's home. Whether it's an after-lunch meat and cheese snack plate, a pre-dinner bread and olive oil dip dish, or the main entree, eat the damn food. If you don't, it's not like we're going to break your legs, or slash your tires (even if the thoughts run through our head) but you might not be invited back for a while.
2. Yelling is Love
Yes, the entire family is yelling over one another. No our voices will not be gone by the end of the meal. Yes we do love each other. No you may not wear ear-plugs at the table, just wait until the post-meal food coma. Yes they are speak...okay fine, yelling Italian. No, as a first-gen american-italian, I, unfortunately, do not speak Italian.
3. Loyalty is Huge
That might seem like a no-brainer, and you might even be thinking to yourself, "self, loyalty is important to everyone. duh" — not like Italians. Earn the trust of an Italian and he/she will have your back no matter the situation. Whether you're at a bar and getting some unwanted attention, or you feel awful because you just bombed an exam.
Ask your good Italian friend to call your parents and explain that bombed test for you. They'll do it, and by the end of the conversation, they will have your parents apologizing for putting too much pressure on you, and a package of their nonna's homemade pizzelle's on route to your parents house. (Don't worry, they'll save the pizzelle nutella sandwiches for you- after all, you're the one who failed the exam).
On the flip side, if you back-stab, betray, or lose the trust of your Italian friend, boyfriend, girlfriend etc. be very weary. We're short tempered- and yes, the days of the Italian mobsters bootlegging alcohol and running speakeasy's is over, aaannd "The Godfather" is a bit unrealistic, but don't expect to ever have the same type of relationship you did previously, or to have any interaction go further than small talk. It just won't happen.
4. Matriarch, Matriarch, Matriarch
Grandmother, mother, wife, daughter. Take your pick, they're the ones truly running the show. No matter who's working, or not working, there's very little that happens in an Italian family that wasn't orchestrated by one of these ruling hands.
5. Family is....Complicated
Again, this might seem like a bit of a no-brainer, whose family isn't f*cked up, right? Well, with Italians and Italian-Americans, there are a lot of topics that become pretty heated cross-generationally. Side Note: Italians are extremely sensitive and emotional creatures. With that in mind, it's easy to accidentally offend someone in the family, or to be offended by someone in the family- we won't necessarily show or act on it, it happens, we file it away, and we move on.
We love our families dearly, but they can be extremely frustrating, and sometimes we need to vent about them. Don't forget though, we love them dearly and will defend them to the ends of the earth. Even the one's we don't very much care for.
6. Drinking is Normal
Italy is home to many great vineyards. I'm not sure anything else needs to be said.
7. 3 Times and You're In
For significant others and friends. There's really a very simple rule here, after your third introduction to the family: you are family. (Not in a marital or any legal way for those of you thinking, "Oh shit! I just met my SO's grandma for the 3rd time....I'm not ready for commitment, I'm not ready for FAMILY status! AAAHHHH" chill).
I simply mean that from the third introduction forward you will be treated as family, if you're absent from a gathering, people will ask where you are, friendly teasing will ensue, and you may be asked to help a bit in the kitchen.
8. Protection is Natural
Speaking of family and being treated as such — Italian's don't take kindly to friends or loved ones being treated poorly. We are a very protective bunch and won't hesitate to step forward in a confrontation. It can be overbearing, it can be a little obnoxious, but it's out of loyalty and love and It's just in our nature.
9. Never Say "Olive Garden"
Don't do it. If you want to see for yourself, start organizing a group of friends to go out to eat and casually suggest Olive Garden as a serious option to the Italians amongst your circle. Just remember that I warned you.
10. Emotions
Italians are the closest thing to a physical embodiment of pure emotion today. Whether it's love, happiness, sadness etc. It is intense, it can be overbearing, and it can be more than a handful. We appreciate all of you that put up with us.
