"I'm a lonely person at heart. I need people, but my social anxiety prevents me from being happy."

While in college, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Granted, medications and therapy sessions have allowed for me to navigate some of these newly labeled elements of my life, but nothing could have ever prepared me for the darkness, the troubles, and the crippling effects of social anxiety.

Social anxiety is the dark, heavy cloak that I feel as if I am wearing everywhere I go. Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, it feels as if this emotional cloak has gotten progressively heavier and more difficult to guise in everyday life. Sadly, I feel as if there has been an incredible misunderstanding with what social anxiety actually is. Those who have social anxiety experience different elements of it, it is much more than the occasional stress that may occur with socializing. It is suffocating, it is draining, and it is absolutely exhausting.

Below are ten things that I wish people genuinely understood when interacting with me so that I would be able to gain the empathy and compassion that would make my days so much easier.

1. Self-sabotage

I have self-sabotaged many friendships because I was fearful that they would see the true me and realize that I was genuinely too exhausting to try and maintain daily interactions.

2. My Family are my best friends

My social life has almost entirely consisted of my family because they are safe, accepting, and they know me better than anyone else. I am freed from the disappointment that may happen with other friendships.

3. It's just easier to be alone

I can't explain why it is so much easier to be alone. I purposely go out of my way to alienate myself from social interactions to help alleviate myself of the stress and anxiety of possible conversations. Because of this, I have made so many excuses to avoid any possibility of social interactions with others.

4. Texting leaves too much room for miscommunication

9 times out of 10, the thought of messaging or texting back others gives me incredible anxiety. I am so fearful of saying the wrong thing, creating awkward silences, or not being able to relate to others.

5. It affects me physically

My biggest past time has seemed to be bruxism, which is clenching my jaw. It is the only way I can seem to have an outlet from my anxiety. At night, I lay in brutal pain and discomfort because of the amount of time I clench my jaw.

6. There's a constant fear of being judged

The thought of leaving a room when others are in it causes me to be on the brink of a panic attack. I am consistently fearful that others are constantly judging me.

7. I always assume people dislike or even hate me

All feelings of sensibility and logic go out the window when I socialize with others. I have grown unbelievably sensitive and am in constant belief that everyone hates me, even over the simplest interactions.

8. I have become my own worst critic to the most extreme level.

We all are harsh on ourselves, but for me, it has escalated exponentially. Because I feel like others are always judging me, if I make the simplest mistake, I will obsess over it for days and beat myself up over it. Mistakes in social interactions from two years ago continue to haunt me.

9. I will avoid small talk at any cost.

After work, many times my coworkers will walk together to go home, but I will purposely stay in the office for a few minutes to avoid having to engage in small talk because it overwhelms me so much.

10. I will constantly use my phone so people won't approach me.

I will stay glued to my phone as a person repellent in order to keep others from approaching me and talking to me. If I do not have my phone as my trusty sidekick, I will bend over backward to look as busy as humanly possible.

Social anxiety is something that I am well aware will be a part of my life forever. Seeing as it has become increasingly worse and has dominated many elements in my life, it is something that I am trying to learn to love and work on because it has become a big component of my identity. I am hopeful that as we strive to break down the barriers of silence around issues like this in regards to our mental health that we can slowly become more compassionate to others.

At the end of the day, we need to make a valiant effort to understand that we are all going through something on our own. Social anxiety is exhausting, draining, and torturous at times. Be nice, be understanding, be loving.