"Let's watch a movie!" they said. "It'll be fun!" they said.
Incorrect. Movies are not, in actuality, fun. Sure, I haven't seen all the movies, blah blah blah. However, from the ones I've seen, I have not been impressed.
1. Sitting for 90+ minutes straight
My attention span is low... like really low. So what makes you think I can sit through an hour and a half movie? And movies over 2 hours... lol, hard pass.
2. ...Only to have superficial characters and to have the plot feel rushed
Getting to know the backstories of characters to understand where they come from/how they act is very important to me. However, having a killer backstory, realistic dialogue, and an intense plot all at the same time in ~2 hours is basically impossible.
3. They're predictable
As Mark Twain once said, "There is no such thing as a new idea." Sure, there are new combinations or new spins, but in reality, movie producers and writers know what sells. They'll keep using the same plot devices as long as people keep eating it up. I'm just not one of those people. I don't want the boy to get the girl. I don't want the hero to survive things that are obviously fatal. I don't want to be able to narrate the movie play by play. I want to be surprised for once.
4. Movie theaters
Okay, so, plot twist: While I hate movies, I love movie theaters. I love the expanse of the lobby with the overpriced popcorn and selection of candies that'll rot out your teeth. I love the velvet, uncomfortable seats. I love the huge screen and the thundering volume. I love the previews and the silly little ads that movie theaters have to show. I don't know if it's because I didn't go to a real movie theater until I was 14 or what, but I find them positively magical. However, I still hate movies... if I see them in a movie theater or not. So I pay money to enjoy the 15ish minutes of pre-movie enjoyment, then suffer through the movie... that makes sense, right?
5. Group movie nights
I am the woman in the front... every time. My house has a routine of watching a movie together just about every weekend, and for the sake of sakes, I usually join them (however, if it's Disney and/or animated, you can count me out). We've watched everything from Nacho Libre to Father of the Bride to Princess Diaries, but nothing has really enchanted me. Come to think of it, maybe we need to spread our taste out a bit.
6. Finding one movie you don't hate and watching it so much you start to hate it, too
This movie for me is Pitch Perfect. Back in high school, I found it miraculously and have probably seen it 50+ times. Instead of watching new movies, I would simply watch it again because it could never let me down. However, the last time I watched it, it did let me down. Whether it be because my perspective has changed or it's just gotten old, I'm not sure... but I saw nothing except the movie's flaws, and I was heartbroken.
7. Disappointing people when you end up hating their favorite movie
Every person I befriend thinks that their favorite movie will be the one that I actually like. Then, when I finally crack and watch it with them, I end up not liking it *surprise*. When I tell them I don't like the movie, it almost always ends in a mini argument with neither side winning. I tried telling you, but you wouldn't listen.
8. Hoping that you'll like the next movie you watch just to be let down
Now that I fully embrace my hatred of movies, I rarely get excited about any movie, even if it sounds perfect. However, for the select few that capture my attention just long enough to get 5 minutes in and already be disappointed... you suck extra.
9. Missing out on jokes/references from movies you haven't seen
Star Wars jokes... no clue. Fast and Furious references? Nope. Rocky, Lord of the Rings, ET, Jaws, The Breakfast Club, Toy Story, The Godfather, Home Alone, The Princess Bride, Back to the Future, The Terminator, Ferris Bueller's Day Off... I haven't seen any of them. So if you crack a joke about one of these and I don't laugh... now you know why.
10. The face people make when you say you haven't seen a particular movie
Look at the list I included above... I basically get this look on the daily.
There you have it. I don't like movies. I really don't mean to hate them... it just inevitably happens.
