After being in an unhealthy relationship myself, I have figured out how to spot the warning signs. Sometimes, you do not see the signs until it's too late or until you are out of the situation. If you a put a toad in boiling water, it will immediately jump out, but, if you put the toad in room temperature water and slowly raise the temperature, it will stay in the water until it dies. If any of these apply to your relationship, it is an unhealthy one. Please find help if you need it. It is not your fault. Some of us try to see the best in people, and people will take advantage of that.
1. You can't do anything right
No matter what you say or what you do, your significant other always finds some fault. They may not say it to you outright, but they may drop subtle hints that what you have done holds no value or what you've said was not correct. It might be how well you sing your favorite song or how well you drew that picture for an art class, but, whatever it is, it is wrong.
2. You're spending all of your time with them
You notice yourself not hanging out with your friends anymore, or you haven't been texting your BFF lately. Your significant other asks for all of your time. Every free second is spent with them. When you spend time with your friends, your significant other gets jealous. This is because they do not want you to have anyone else to turn to. They want you to always turn to them, and they want to become your main focus. They want to make you feel alone when you're not with them. When you get involved in an activity that takes up your time, they try to tell you stop participating in it. Whether it be community theatre or sports, they tell you it's not worth your time. You can't be away from them for too long.
3. They are always the victim
Whenever you bring up a problem in your relationship, your significant other manages to turn it around and make it your fault. They make you feel as though you need to fix yourself whenever a problem occurs, and you become more submissive to them and apologetic. They need to make you think you're the problem; if you think you're the problem, you are less likely to identify the problems with your significant other.
4. They point out your flaws
When you're walking with them in public and you say something a little loudly, they tell you to shut up and stop embarrassing them. They tell you that you laugh weird or that you smile crooked. They tell you that you could stand to lose a few pounds. When you're singing along to a song on the radio, they tell you you're singing off key. They do anything they can to make you feel insecure and to make you feel like they're out of your league. They suddenly become too good for you, and then you try to do anything you can to keep them.
5. They become physically aggressive
They might not hit you, but they might grab your arm when they're trying to prove a point. They will do anything to get their point across, and your safety is not their priority. They want to make you too scared to stand up to them, and they want to make you feel small and weak. They don't want to risk having you stand up for yourself. They may apologize and say it will never happen again, but they're lying to you.
6. You have to be inferior
They are not happy when you succeed. They have to get the better grade, the larger salary, or even the bigger slice of pizza. It doesn't matter what it is; you have to be below them. If you do anything that puts you even the smallest bit above them, they will make you feel bad for doing it, or they will throw away the achievement as if it means nothing. They will not be happy for you.
7. Your interests do not matter
They don't want to do anything you want to do. They have to pick the movie, the music, and the topic of conversation. They don't care about your input. Even if they do let you talk, they aren't really listening. You may have to repeat yourself multiple times before they acknowledge what you've said. You are not what is important to them.
8. They do not support you
When you have big dreams, they squash them and tell you that they are unrealistic. When you have a concert, play, or a soccer game, they do not try to attend because it is not their priority. They could care less about something that means the world to you. They will ask you to support them in every way, but, the second you need help, they are unavailable. They do not care about you, but they do care about what you can do for them.
9. You are depressed
While you have been in this relationship, you've noticed yourself not smiling as much. You hesitate before you give your opinion. You cry more than you used to. You feel worthless. You see yourself not enjoying the activities you used to love. You aren't the person you used to be. You may not realize you're in a bad place, but your body does. Your body is trying to cope with the ridiculous amount of stress by shutting down.
10. You are scared of them
You don't want to say anything wrong, so, sometimes you don't say anything at all. You would never do anything to make them upset because you don't know what they will do to you in return. You don't tell anyone you're scared because you've convinced yourself it's not their fault. If only you'd kept your mouth shut, then they wouldn't have hit you. You're hiding the bruises and the tears because you don't want to get them in trouble; it's not their fault. It had to have been something you did.
It comes in all forms
It doesn't matter what gender they are, how big they are, or how nice they seem to friends, they can still be an abuser. They don't have to hit you to abuse you. If they try to make you feel like you are inferior to them, they are an abuser. It is never your fault. Others may say things like, "But they seem so nice," or "I can't imagine them doing that," but an abuser doesn't want to seem abusive to outsiders. You may doubt yourself, but, if you feel like the other person has hurt you emotionally or physically, get out that situation as soon as possible. It may take you a long time to fully cope with what has happened, but you will get better. You deserve to smile again and feel confident in your own skin.
Ask for help
If it's friends, relatives, or even the authorities, find someone that will get you quickly and safely out of the situation.
If you don't know where to start, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Please do not hesitate to call.
