Nothing quite measures up to the joy of flogging your enemy with a slew of Shakespearean insults, nor can any other repertoire of jests combat the pure malice of many quotes that are to follow. Simply put: Shakespeare could be really salty when he wanted to be.
Therefore, I have constructed this list, after grueling seconds scrolling to the third option in my google search for "Shakespearean Insults," and offered my brief thoughts on ten feisty remarks that I hope will catch wind and become widely used.
1. “Thou subtle, perjur’d, false, disloyal man!”
Pretty straightforward, not very derivative.
2.“You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!”
Because the abnormally heterosexual guy who just tossed a homophobic slur at you to solidify his own heterosexuality wants to be threatened with an assertion that you are going to... tickle... his... catastrophe.
3. “Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.”
Me-sa reminded by Jar-Jar whenever I see "methinks." Some things in this world can't be explained.
4.“Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!”
What I found when trying to figure out what a tallow-catch is: a dictionary said it was "a keech," and a different dictionary defined a "keech" as a "fat lump." There you have it.
5. “Thou art unfit for any place but hell.”
A tasteful revision to the classic and understated "go to hell."
6. “Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.”
This one is kind of gross.
7.“Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”
If I were on the boat, no biscuit would make it out of port alive. Yum-yum.
8. “A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”
If you have a couple of minutes to insult a person, this is the one to use.
9. “Come, come, you froward and unable worms!”
Unable worms. There's a good chance this one will start cropping up in my general dialogue in the near future.
10.“Thine face is not worth sunburning.”
I saved my favorite for last because it's just so good. It's the right temperature of sass and it cuts deep. Even the sun doesn't want to look at you.
Hopefully this has enlightened you to spice up your typical insult-routine. Perhaps your ventures into the realm of offending others will seem more fulfilling.
