My cat thinks she is better than you and I have to say, I do agree with her. My cat doesn’t pay taxes. She lives rent free. She just eats and sleeps all day. This is a life of luxury, my friend. You, on the other hand, pay your taxes and rent. You wake up every day and go to work. You eat a salad, so you don’t get too fat. My cat lays around in the sun indulging in the most that her hedonistic life has to offer.

I love my cat so much. My cat has been there for me when others haven’t. She has been there for the breakups, rude comments, adult braces. She has been there for me when others haven’t. She knows that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. When I’m feeling sick, she will snuggle up to my chest. She knows when I hurt.

She also knows when I could use some distraction. I will be working on a paper or doing research, and she will walk across the keyboard, typing in a couple of choice letters. I stop and look at her. She’s just sitting there looking back at me. It’s obviously time to play. I put a pause on my work for a second and toss a stuffed mouse around for a little bit.

She will often bite my toes when I stick them out from the bottom of the blanket. I will grab her and give her a good hug or as she sees it, an unbearable squeeze to which she must escape. That generally stops the toe-cat mouth contact.

I love my cat so much. She is much more than a pet. She is a queen amongst plebs. So for all of you plebs; here is a list of all of the reasons my cat is better than you.

1. She loves me (un)conditionally.

She loves me unconditionally though she likes to pretend she doesn’t.

2. My cat is probably the softest cat in the world.

Yeah, I said it. Fight me.

3. My cat is so confident.

Would you lay licking your anus on the coffee table? Probably not.

4. She is the ultimate space heater.

Winter is the perfect time to have a cat. Who needs socks?! Just put your feet under a cat.

5. She waits for me at the door when I come home.

Does a significant other do that? I don’t think so. But a signifiCAT other does.

6. She is small and easily catchable.

Which means I can catch her and force her to love me easily... Most people freak out and call the police.

7. Do you chase a string around the house?

Uh, I don’t think so.

8. Will you spite throw-up on the carpet?

Highly unlikely, Diane. Don’t even try to lie. We know you have the gag reflex of an anaconda.

9. Will you bolt for the door every time someone visits your house?

Nope. Your rent is too expensive just to be leaving like that.

10. Do you poop in a box?

Oh God, I hope not.