- Versatility -- My hair is constantly changing and ready to adapt to any weather situation Mother Earth decides to throw at me. Oh, it’s windy? Now I have a luscious lion’s mane. Oh, it’s cold? Good thing the side of my head isn’t shaved. And if things get a little too crazy, you can always throw on a hat and have some prime time real deal million dollar hat hair.
- Cost Efficient -- I get like three to four haircuts a year. If I had it my way, it’d be around two, but apparently society has these standards of looking presentable. I don’t know man, I think I rock it pretty well, but that’s besides the point. I don’t ever have to get haircuts. I don’t have to buy gel, product, hair spray or whatever y’all use to maintain your hair. And all the saved money is more money to blow on burritos and to upkeep my subscription to HBO.
- I don’t look like a pompous arrogant D-Bag.
- My bed head gives me super powers.
- The fly honey dips love it.
- Alright, #5 was a lie.
- It’s more like that one girl who sits all the way in the back of class and doesn't say a word but admires your alfalfa.
- But like she’s not actually admiring. She’s really snapchatting her friends the the back of your head because it’s disastrous.
- But you never tell yourself that because you have a bed head, aka the greatest hairstyle of all time, and there’s just not enough time in the day to feel insecure.
- I don’t look like a lead singer of a boy band…though I’d be lying if I said I never thought about forming one. But like not One Direction or this 5 Seconds of Awful Music or Summer or whatever they’re called. I’m talking NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, the trendsetters. Scratch all this bed head talk; I need to get frosted tips, bright windbreakers, Moon shoes. I need a gallon of Dippin’ Dots and I need to develop better dance moves, because I’ll never get into NSYNC with the guido fist pump.
Moral of the story: tapers are totally sick, if you’re going for the “my dad’s a lawyer” look. But if you’re trying to be the G.O.A.T., the bedhead is the only way to go. And remember, life isn’t about finding yourself; life is about convincing yourself that you are a stud. Join me next week when I will be discussing why my red shirt is better than your red shirt.
