With fall formal season upon us there is a frantic air to the corridors of every local mall and boutique that caters to young people. The expectation to deck yourself out in formal wear comes around again and it is insanity once more. The frenzy of a last minute purchase or the analytics that goes into choosing between two of ultimately the same dress is a unique experience to say the least.
But my goodness it feels magical to play pretend at life for a night. Who can say what is worth the time and effort that goes into finding a dress to wear to a formal. All I have are some hard hitting questions.
1. Why do straps even exist?
They are the most wicked trick. There is no end, the ways that one girl can get stuck in one dress with two straps.
2. Will these seams be able to handle my dance moves?
Not likely, but I will surely try to test it out scientifically in this mirrored dressing room. It's good to practice.
3. Should I be able to breathe right now?
Another variation on this one is “should I be able to fit a soccer ball in this dress with me?” Also a favorite is "how much is 'too much' thigh?"
4. Would this entire situation be avoided if I wore a suit?
This one usually comes after trying on six or more dresses. There is a constant murmur of wondering if it is really necessary to wear a dress. Suits are also so formal! Usually for me it boils down to the fact that finding a suit for a girl is much more difficult than finding a dress.
5. What is the true difference between sequins and metallic fabric and embellishments and beading?
I don't know. Is it metaphysical? Do the lights give off different signals of infrared waves invisible to the human eye but not human perception? There must a secret code involved with all the sewing and threading in making a plain dress just shine!
6. Why are mirrors so deceiving?
I swore that I only had two legs, one head, and no abnormal characteristics... but in the fluorescent lighting of a changing room there is no telling what will be staring back in the mirror.
7. Did I just try on every dress in the entire store?
No, but the limit to the number of items allowed in the dressing room was exceeded long ago. Meanwhile epochs did pass, Britney Spears came and went, and the sky stopped being blue.
8. Is that what a zipper breaking sounds like?
Hopefully not. There is still hope, if it's intact, for a pretzel as an award for the suffering that transposed in this formal dress massacre of a fitting room.
9. Who makes the playlist for all these mall stores?
There has to be someone who hacked into my iTunes account and aligned all my favorite jams from 2013 to play. So groovin' all the time.
10. What are the chances this dress is actually secretly on sale?
Why not live a little in the most private dreamland of the mind. A land where every dress is your size and every dress is on sale.
In all seriousness though, the best part about dances or any type of formal event is seeing everyone look so beautiful and handsome all at once. It is the one time where every compliment is well founded and well received with true acceptance of that compliment's truth. Beauty does not ever really stem from the dress, rather it comes like a fountain from the person wearing it.
